Some days I wonder if Lucas is my child. I really wonder, “Should I take a maternity test??” He is just so brilliant, so social, so – opposite — from me.
I think such thoughts, with sarcasm of course, but I really do wonder. I do. I wonder if he is going to be like me? In what areas of academia he will take after me? I wonder if he will be stricken with anxiety, like me? Or if he will be of an even temperament; calm, cool, collected, like his dad? (Fingers crossed!!!)
For thinking such thoughts, I know my Karma is dealing her hand to me every morning before the sun is awake. How? You might wonder.
Before I can even open my eyes in the morning, it happens without fail – Lucas is screaming and crying in desperation. Running out of his room and into the hallway. Why?? Answer again: Trains. We live on a relatively quiet road. Quiet, except for the fact that a rather busy railroad track is located practically in our backyard. Ah, so lovely at first to admire the passing trains – three years ago when we first moved in. Yet, now. Those damn trains have become Lucas’ obsession. I’m not even sure if obsession is the strongest word to use in this moment. He lives trains. He breathes trains. If he could eat trains, I’m sure he would be delighted. The first train passes at 6AM, and Lucas runs out of his room, down the stairs, and outside to say “Hi” and “Bye” each morning – accompanied by a parent, of course.
I just cannot tell you how awful and beautiful this situation really is. I begin my day with screaming, crying, sheer panic (if you ask me). Anxiety about whether I can scoop him up and rush him outside quick enough so as to ensure we DO NOT miss the first train, really, it’s exhausting. I’m exhausted. Side note, now that I’m thinking about it — is this a means of spoiling him?? Ahhhhh, I will blog about this at a later date. Awful, as I said.
Yet, so wonderful. We all have our ‘trains.’ Don’t you think? We all have our passions – often disguised as obsessions, right? So why should I be so stressed, so impatient with my lovely screaming wake-up call? I can relate to little, panicky Lucas. I see an opportunity to write and I think, “Ahhhhhhhh!!! The thoughts are flooding, get it down on paper NOW!!!” I become quite obsessed in those moments, frantically searching for the first sign of a decently sharpened pencil and any piece of paper (receipt, paid bill, unpaid bill for that matter) to ensure my thoughts have a final destination, a place to rest while my mind recovers from the downpour of thoughts. Obsession, as I said. Beautiful – because quite honestly – it is a love. A creative love, a passionate love, a love deep down in my core. That obsession, that constant state of — “What can I create today? What will I write today?” – That is the same fuel in Lucas that boils as he is running, tears flowing, to see his love, trains.
I think we have to remember to appreciate others’ paths in life, even if we do not quite understand them. We have to really look at what drives others, what motivates others, to do what they do. Look around at your loved ones, family and friends alike. Do you see their trains?
Why not hop on for a ride? You may not know where they are going. You may not even reach a destination on their trip. But why not sit back and enjoy the scenery? Take a few pictures, perhaps. Share those moments with them. Enjoy the ride.