Tag Archives: Dream

Harvest

I don’t know when I lost my mind.

Sometimes I really wonder if what goes on in my head is normal. These thoughts, these dreams, these insanely absurd fears – where do they come from? Why do I have them? Why do I feel them so strongly? Why do they speak to me just as a lover whispers sweet nothings: So faint, yet I feel them so deeply, within myself, resonating in the pit of my stomach.

Often it is the fear within that corrodes my heart. My ambitious dreams are always present, yes, but those damn fears – they are like the lingering sweat on my flesh after a playful night’s encounter with a stranger. I shamefully carry them with me each day. They are the morning dew that lay gently on blades of grass alike – cold and obnoxious, transparent and dissolvable. Their residue lay heavily on my mind, always.

In my most recent post, I touched on the topic of modeling and the energy that is injected into my soul surrounding each experience. Modeling opens the door to knowing me better and allows me to hurdle over those difficult comfort zones. Lovely, yes.  However, I would like to dive into the difficult issues surrounding modeling for you, readers, now.

Why do it, Ki? Why put yourself through such stress? I receive the same questions from family and friends. If I have such overwhelming anxiety each time, then why do it?? Why? Why is it so stressful for you? What are you seeing that we are not?

I think a seed was planted years ago. By whom? By what? That, I can’t answer. I’m not sure. All I can say for sure is a seed has grown exponentially over the years and is now seen wildly overgrown in my mind. That seed — stubborn and proud — has flourished, reproduced, and conquered. Where there once lay a small and immature seed, a forest lush with lies and untruths now stands firmly in the ground.

Today, I look in the mirror and see nothing similar to what you – my readers – see. No, I do not have an eating disorder. I am very healthy and active and take care of myself to the best of my ability. When I say I see something different – it is as though my mind tells the looking glass what to show me – an overweight, flawed, ugly human being. Each imperfection is amplified. Where you see a nose, I see a mountainous error that will one day be ‘fixed.’ I see hideous breasts, abused and battered by pregnancy. I see wide hips and chunky thighs; I see all features as shameful extensions of a less than worthy body. As I said, my lies and untruths are very firmly planted. This post is not for pity, but for strength. In sharing with you, I shed yet another layer of myself. This moment, I thank you for being with me as I do so.

Compliments from others are appreciated, yet it changes nothing about how I see this body that walks with me each day. There is nothing a friend, a relative, or a passerby can say that will allow me to see the truth that stands before the mirror. My truth is distorted and manipulated by the inner, deceptive workings of my brain – and I am slowing pulling the weeds and tilling the soil; desperate for a harvest one day soon. Maybe my heart feels so heavy because it is growing. Maybe the holes are filling in, repairing themselves. Hey, not a bad thought.

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Are you struggling? Does your soul feel lonely at times? I know, it is so tough to get past those moments of insecurity, doubt, and fear – and I’m talking about all aspects of life – personally, professionally, everything readers. Let me offer you this: Realize that you cannot hide forever. Make it a choice each morning as the sun kisses your skin to greet her and choose life, to live. If that is all you can do, then hold onto that tightly. Wake up each day, choose to live every moment, and you have taken the first step. You see, with time this will become natural, a habit of sorts – and you will see that the less you think about ‘doing,’ the more you will simply ‘be.’ I promise you, you will slowly become less of an observer and more of one who chooses to be active in the world again.

Quiet the incessant thoughts that tell you to use caution; silence them as best you can. Sometimes the heavy confusion within is really just our way of denying the natural course of our lives.

For twenty-three years I have been a victim of my mind’s deception. I have listened to it, obeyed it, and continued pursuing a life without imperfection. If you can relate, I beg you to stop. Now. You will never be perfect. You will never know perfection. Remember that ‘perfection’ is simply a word. It is not achievable. It is a word that carries immeasurably high hopes and devastating upsets. See that word, visualize it now, erase it, and let it go. Never use that word again.

Life is not beautiful despite imperfections. Life is beautiful because we climb, we fall, and we choose to overcome. There are many days where you WILL be on top, and there are many days where you will not. Take it all in. Take every moment. Accept the ‘bad’ just as you would accept the ‘good.’ Life is not meant to be continuously ‘happy,’ ‘joyful,’ etc (insert your favorite adjective here).  Let go of the emotions. Let go of thinking. It is in this release that you will begin again. We can always begin again.   

 

I don’t know when I lost my mind.

But I’m so thankful I did.

I’m feeling again. I’m loving again.

And I’ve only just begun,

Again.

 

 

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Musical inspiration behind this post — “Miss You” Ed Sheeran

Reflections

Do you ever have moments when you feel ‘alone?’ No one understands. No one hears you. No one sees you. No one gets it. No one gets – you. What do you do in those moments? Do you cry? Do you work harder? Do you reach out to someone? Or do you just look in the mirror?

You know, it’s funny – I started this blog, feeling alone. Drowning in self doubt, I started to ‘speak up’ about my struggle. My fears. My depression. Funny because I wasn’t speaking at all. I was hiding out, behind my computer screen. Talking to no one. No human interaction. All that stared back at me were my words. A reflection of Me. Myself. My deepest feelings. My craziest of thoughts. Nothing more. Nothing less. Never really knowing ‘who’ was reading. Never really knowing ‘who’ cared enough to come back for the next post. Never really feeling ‘connected.’ Once again, alone. Once again, looking in the mirror.

Unsatisfied, soul exposed, thoughts free floating on the Internet – a representation of me – I longed for support. Dreamt of the day I received an anonymous email from a stranger just to say, “Hey – read the blog. I can relate.” For months, family and close friends smiled and said – be patient, Ki – you’ve only just begun. And I waited, reflecting about each post, wondering how I could be more exposed, how I could go beyond the point of comfort and into the realm of reality…. A destination just past my feelings and within reach of touching another’s soul. Embracing empathy and relating to others’ pain. But how? I didn’t know. So I ended each day perplexed, looking at the girl in the mirror.

Addicted To Doing became LifeofKi and something shifted. My confidence? Maybe. My free spirit emerging? Probably. I noticed my writing became my therapy. My lifeline to healing. The inevitable therapist who would hear me – scared, suffering, desperate for change. Writing brought the tears. Writing wiped those tears away. Writing brought the fear out – and set it free. Looking at this blog now, I see the past. I see the change. I see the shift. I see the good, I see the bad. I see the reflections. The shades of Ki. Neurotic, crazy Ki. Loving, mommy Ki. Confused, desperately longing for something more Ki. Lover Ki. Fighter Ki. I see it all. Right here. In the mirror that is LifeofKi.

I’ve dreamt of days like today – when I wake up and see emails from all over the world. Italy, Canada, the States, Israel, etc. My friends, reaching out to me, reflecting on life – struggles – work – dreams. You see, when you tap into your authentic self – when you show who you are, who you want to be, who you’d rather not be – people feel it. People see it. People empathize. People reach out. People respond to that.  Maybe these friends see something good in me. My hope is that they are responding to the good within themselves. My hope, to you friends, is that you look into the mirror too, and know you’re not alone. Know you have my support; you have my help; you have a piece of the shades of Ki. When you look in the mirror, see more than just the reflection that stares back at you. Remember who has helped create and continues to support that beautiful being in the mirror.

 

 

Musical Inspiration behind this post; thank you Danny —

Mirror

 

 

 

**Featured image courtesy of Righno Boutique***

 

Related Post:

Weeks Like This

Trains

Some days I wonder if Lucas is my child. I really wonder, “Should I take a maternity test??” He is just so brilliant, so social, so – opposite — from me.

 

I think such thoughts, with sarcasm of course, but I really do wonder. I do. I wonder if he is going to be like me? In what areas of academia he will take after me? I wonder if he will be stricken with anxiety, like me? Or if he will be of an even temperament; calm, cool, collected, like his dad? (Fingers crossed!!!)

For thinking such thoughts, I know my Karma is dealing her hand to me every morning before the sun is awake. How? You might wonder.

Trains.

 

Before I can even open my eyes in the morning, it happens without fail – Lucas is screaming and crying in desperation. Running out of his room and into the hallway. Why??  Answer again: Trains. We live on a relatively quiet road. Quiet, except for the fact that a rather busy railroad track is located practically in our backyard. Ah, so lovely at first to admire the passing trains – three years ago when we first moved in. Yet, now. Those damn trains have become Lucas’ obsession. I’m not even sure if obsession is the strongest word to use in this moment. He lives trains. He breathes trains. If he could eat trains, I’m sure he would be delighted. The first train passes at 6AM, and Lucas runs out of his room, down the stairs, and outside to say “Hi” and “Bye” each morning – accompanied by a parent, of course.

I just cannot tell you how awful and beautiful this situation really is. I begin my day with screaming, crying, sheer panic (if you ask me). Anxiety about whether I can scoop him up and rush him outside quick enough so as to ensure we DO NOT miss the first train, really, it’s exhausting. I’m exhausted. Side note, now that I’m thinking about it — is this a means of spoiling him?? Ahhhhh, I will blog about this at a later date. Awful, as I said.

Yet, so wonderful. We all have our ‘trains.’ Don’t you think? We all have our passions – often disguised as obsessions, right? So why should I be so stressed, so impatient with my lovely screaming wake-up call? I can relate to little, panicky Lucas. I see an opportunity to write and I think, “Ahhhhhhhh!!! The thoughts are flooding, get it down on paper NOW!!!”  I become quite obsessed in those moments, frantically searching for the first sign of a decently sharpened pencil and any piece of paper (receipt, paid bill, unpaid bill for that matter) to ensure my thoughts have a final destination, a place to rest while my mind recovers from the downpour of thoughts. Obsession, as I said. Beautiful – because quite honestly – it is a love. A creative love, a passionate love, a love deep down in my core. That obsession, that constant state of — “What can I create today? What will I write today?” – That is the same fuel in Lucas that boils as he is running, tears flowing, to see his love, trains.  

I think we have to remember to appreciate others’ paths in life, even if we do not quite understand them. We have to really look at what drives others, what motivates others, to do what they do. Look around at your loved ones, family and friends alike. Do you see their trains?

Why not hop on for a ride? You may not know where they are going. You may not even reach a destination on their trip. But why not sit back and enjoy the scenery? Take a few pictures, perhaps. Share those moments with them. Enjoy the ride.

 

Cheers, readers.

For You, Dear

Look at the moon.

I will do the same.

 

Yes, the moon. There,

Kissing my face. Gazing at me sweetly,

Whispering lovely words this night.

Words coming from afar – and I cannot hear even one.

 

Oh, Dear.

 

The desire to touch them, taste them,

To drink them in

Intoxicates every inch of my being.

Leaving me the happiest creature on this Earth.

 

Her sharp reflections dance freely upon the ocean.

Is our dance as expressive, as loud, as this?

Why is ‘life’ so black, so white?

 

Tell me your color. It would be the same as mine.

Dear, are we colorblind?

Memories hold us, here, now.

Nourishing the soul as a mother’s breast to her babe.

 

Your body and mind will fail you

And one day you will forget.

Wrinkled, frayed, to dust you’ll be.

 

In the darkness, now.

The unknown, now known.

I – will no longer be – I.

You – no longer – you.

 

As one – everything – will be.

Drowning in serenity.

I’ll wait for you.

Until then.

 

Please, breathe

Strength and courage

Into me.

Let your winds push me.

 

Remember the moon.

For she is all we have.

Dance to the songs in my head.

Please, let me sing them again.

 

Please, Dear.

 

Close your eyes now.

I will do the same.

 

 

 

 

–Original Poem–

 

 

 

 

Inspiration: (Lyrics from) Passenger, Matt Kearney, & Peter Bradley Adams

Thanks to: Two blog readers in particular (you know who you are) — who keep my mind active, my senses curious, and my dream alive. Sending my best to you.

 

***Featured Image courtesy of Righno Boutique***

Delicious Ambiguity

Sunrise, I see your smile.

A fluttering wind, I feel your kiss.

Dusk, I hear your soul’s melancholic lullaby.

How can I miss you – when you are with me, always?

 

The green reminds me of better pastures.

Temptation hidden silently under each unturned leaf,

Illusive beauty screaming.

Coy winds always do cause a shiver to the spine.

 

Can you hear my thoughts?

Can you touch my soul?

I know I love you,

If that’s all we can take.

 

Where are you now, dear love?

I’m an open book: read from cover to cover.

Let your eyes guide you. Mind mislead you.

Heart appease you. Shall I tease you?

 

I wish you would…

Take your love with you.

Just let me go.

 

Quit these dreams.

I’ll miss you so.

Each tear you cry for me

Waters the seed, full grown.

 

 

 

–Original Poem–

 

 

 

 

Inspiration: Edward Maya and Matt Kearney

Something beautiful

There are these moments in time

When you know you have done wrong.

And you know the world is laughing at you.

Pushing you.

 

Take it all away. This mess we’re in.

My body aches, my mind cries.

We’ve done this for so long.

Who are we now?

 

I see a different face,

Feel a weaker touch,

Taste a bitter kiss.

Who am I?

 

The same lies.

Worn out hopes.

Played out dreams.

We’re sinking, walls crumbling.

 

Inside I’m screaming. Oh how my thoughts let me down.

Let’s run.

Far away from these damn games. This damn place.

Our paths undone.

 

Breathe in, breath out.

Break down and move on.

I’ll push you, you pull me.

Hold tight. 

 

You’re so damn stubborn — but new hopes, new dreams, they form.

Life seeps from your pores.

Color in your cheeks, light burning in your eyes.

Passion in your breath.

 

The silence. Listen.

It is calm. Do not fear it.

Drink it in. It will become you, as I’ve always said.

Wake, again.

 

Good morning, my love.

Good to see you, again.

Here, now, awake.

Now, hold on to this.

 

Hold on tight.

Be still in the now.

Be gone with the old.

In time we’ll sort it out.

 

 

–Original Poem–

Lucas’ Life Lessons

I’ll just say it now – Mom and Dad, you were right. All those times you scornfully looked me square in the eye and preached, “You’ll never understand until you have children,” well …. I couldn’t agree more. Luckily for me, I’m saying this in a positive manner – as Lucas has yet to test the waters and challenge my strength of discipline. Perhaps this blog post is for you guys. Perhaps it is for all of my naïve friends who have yet to experience the joys of parenthood. Perhaps it is simply an opportunity to reflect upon what Lucas has taught me thus far.

Three years ago, I knew nothing about what it truly meant to be a parent. I assumed it was all about teaching the child — raising him to be an intelligent, responsible, loving adult. Fast forward to three years post childbirth; I smile at the beauty of my ignorance. Only a fraction of parenthood is about teaching the child. What most new parents cannot know is that an even greater piece of the equation involves forgetting what you know and beginning to see the world anew – with curious eyes and an awakened mind. We don’t have all the answers, and sometimes it takes new beginnings – even a new life – to truly understand this.

I love the thought that ‘we can always begin again.’ As Lucas takes my hand, I am beginning to appreciate the absurdity and preciousness of the present moment.

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Enjoy the simplest of lessons Lucas has taught me over the years!

 

The best snuggles require drool and lots of snoring

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Imaginary play surpasses toys/games any day

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The messier the play, the better the day

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Always give something/someone a second chance — first impressions are NOT everything

Copy of no sanks

It is OKAY to cry (thank you for reminding me of this)

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No dream is too big

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Have no fear

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If you need help, ask for it

Big and little

The best days are the ones we never planned

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I love you, my little man. Never stop inquiring. Never stop exploring. Never stop dreaming. And never, stop teaching.

Mommy and baby 

Love,

Mom

 

 

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Related:

My Birthday Wish

Love Yourself

If you haven’t read What I Know Now – Letters to My Younger Self, read it. Then read it again. Then share it with a friend.
What would you tell your younger self? Look at your life at this exact moment. In retrospect, would you tell a naive you to take another path? Or would you tell ‘yourself’ to buckle up, hold on tight and enjoy the ride? This is your chance to inspire, yourself.
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Ki,
It has been a trying twenty three years thus far. You’ve graduated high school, proven yourself worthy of academic scholarships by Hanover’s standards, oh and how could I forget you birthed an enormous child, created a new life in Midwest America, and you have fervently driven yourself into madness trying to answer the questions in your heart that most people don’t answer in a lifetime.
To you, sixteen-year-old Ki, first and foremost you are beautiful. You don’t know that now, I’m not sure you ever will… but try every day to believe it in your heart. Second, you are brilliant. Maybe not by most “normal people’s standards,” but your creativity is rare, unique, passionate. You are not Edgar Allan Poe, but follow his lead. Having role models is key. You know that gut feeling you have now as you sit in English class? Hold on to that. Hold on tight, Kiley. It is OKAY to feel something special when you write. It is OKAY to be a thinker; to be a dreamer. It is OKAY to share your thoughts. Share with everyone. Share your talents. Build your confidence now because I can tell you from experience that the longer you wait, the more you will struggle expressing what you know to be true.
STOP with the fake smile. It is OKAY to be real with people. Being real does not mean showing everyone what they want to see; saying everything others want to hear. Being real is where your life begins, not ends. It is not the end of the world to cry and show people that you are only human.
STOP giving away your love with such ease. People will take advantage of your love. I’m telling you now that the greatest love you will ever know is not far off in the future. His love is beautiful. His love is new. His love is pure.
Have confidence that you will make the right decisions for you. Your path will be different than most your age, but wonderfully adventurous (if you enjoy not sleeping for the rest of your life). If you haven’t caught on already, you will be a young mother. Can you believe it? You will be someone’s role model; someone’s biggest influence for the rest of his life. Have the confidence to know you are a careful listener, a lifelong teacher, an amazing mother.
Lastly, enjoy the short-lived experience that is college.
Your days of:
  • Living for yourself
  • Zero responsibility (except good grades and occasionally dragging your ass out of bed to show up to class) and
  • Building friendships that will last long after your impulsive exit from Hanover (yes, impulsive)
…..will feel like the blink of an eye.
Kiley, if you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will. If you don’t love yourself, no one else truly can. If you could only read this, at sixteen, oh how different you – I – would be.
Love,
Yourself