Can you answer the question – What are you fighting for – without hesitation? When prompted this question just a day ago, I hesitated and felt tears swell up behind my eyes as a large lump collected in my throat. What an intense, loaded question. What am I fighting for in my life?
Let me back track for a moment… this question came about during a highly anticipated phone call with a complete stranger located halfway across the world. Perhaps I will explain in a later blog post how this situation came about. But for now, that bit of information is highly relevant because as most of my readers know, I am a ball of nerves on every day ending in –y. Therefore, a phone call with a stranger was not the easiest task for me to complete, let alone think clearly through and answer intelligently to any questions all the while. Thus, the perfect storm for emotions to swallow me up and spit me out.
Back to the question – What are you fighting for?
As I paused to think, the only courage I could muster up was to say, “independence.” I was so nervous at that moment that I’m not exactly sure of her response. After coming down from the clouds and shedding my blanket of anxiety, I was able to explain to her the significance of my answer: independence as an individual – a desire to pursue my passions, finish my education, continue writing. Simply to take time, for me.
Her next question: “Then why haven’t you gone back to school –thus furthered this path?” I felt the tears come back. A total rush of emotions prevented sound from escaping.
This lovely stranger sensed hesitation and prompted some answers. She kindly said:
- Are you afraid that you can’t do it?
- Are you worried about giving up time with Lucas? Or lastly,
- Do you not know exactly what you want to do with your life?
I had to laugh and asked her, “Can I answer all of the above?”
What the hell was I thinking answering independence? I’ve been stuck on my subconscious answer since speaking with the lovely stranger. Yes, I’ve talked about my dreams and aspirations on this blog before, but I can’t help but wonder if a little voice inside me was screaming independence instead of calmly answering, independence. As an adult, I have all the freedom in the world to do as I please, but something is holding me back. I wonder sometimes if the only thing holding me back, is me?
Sometimes our sixth sense, that gut feeling we all have deep down inside, screams so loudly – but too often our minds get in the way and muffle the cry. The mind tells us change is foreign; change is scary; beware of change! What would happen if we quieted the mind, if only for a moment, and let the sixth sense sing its song?
I woke up this morning and felt the urge to write. My mind emphatically interjected and reminded me, “Child is awake, get breakfast ready, don’t forget to go to the store, and DON’T forget the list.”
Instead, I listened to the song within… and I wrote it down. After vehemently denying my mind’s attempt to list off my motherly duties and deciding instead to tap into my inner poet, I was left with one final thought…
“I get so excited when thoughts flow from hand to pen; from pen to paper. Although transient, for that moment in time I am reassured of something bigger, something far greater than myself.”
Listen to that inner voice and sing your song. Fight for it, and it will set you free.
“When we feel responsible, concerned, and committed, we begin to feel deep emotion and great courage.”
– 14th Dalai Lama