It is 6a.m. on Saturday morning, I have just finished writing a new poem, made a list of my top 4 favorite titles for “the book” – and all I can think is to write to you, my wonderful lights, and share this moment with you. It has taken many months, many breaths, many cries, many HUGE steps toward my dreams in the face of fear to get to this place.
Most recently, the past 13 weeks or so have flown by, and it always takes me by surprise each time someone asks me, “Hey Ki, how’s it going with your book?!” You guys are simply the best.
I think to myself, Ah, yes, my book! My heart and soul translated to paper, how could I forget?! I take a few moments to breathe, ask for patience, remember to explain my thoughts slowly, and include my friends and family on this crazy journey.
I recently posted to Instagram that YES, I heard from my book editor last weekend! Some of you inquired for more details, and I will gladly share with you that I received wonderful feedback, but we are in the process of revision, a process that I take seriously and handle with care! I am still floating in the moment of complete bliss and gratitude for having had another set of eyes dance with my words… so much so that I am not ready to take the next step. Can I hold this moment forever?!
I believe in asking for help. And sometimes, when we are truly ready to receive what we’ve asked for, the Universe grants us beautiful gifts. My gifts came after I decided to speak with close friends and family about my desire to turn my binder-full-of-poems into a real book.
A year ago this past April, I began writing – or shall I say, the intention to create something new flooded my senses, and I translated the evolution onto paper.
For months, I told no one, fearful that others would laugh off “a book of poetry.” I will save you the story about how I wrestled with myself to continue on the path, and I’ll fast-forward to confiding in a family member about my desire to move further into the unknown world of publishing. To my surprise, she immediately offered to me her connection in Florida who could possibly help with publishing. She’d send her friend an email if I’d like her to do that? (Uh, what? Is it really that easy? I thought. I wrestled myself. My gut screamed, YES!)
I reluctantly agreed. (Fear, fear, fear)
Within a week, an email popped into my inbox, Rick offered his phone number and told me to give him a call. Holding back tears over the phone, I admitted to Rick that I am fragile, that my poetry is deeply private, but that something larger than myself is pushing me to share this with others. I cannot recall much from our 45 minute conversation other than the warmth of Rick’s voice and the depth of his sincerity in dedicating himself to helping me walk this path.
His follow-up email brought me to tears,
“I admire you for pursuing your dreams. I’ll do whatever I can to help you get there.”
And I sent over my book. (Fear, fear, fear, tears, surrender to the unknown)
I come back to this moment, early Saturday morning, wanting to tell you what Rick has said about my book, wanting to gush about what my book will look like, or smell like, or feel like, or sound like…
But truthfully, I am enjoying this moment of looking back at how much I’ve overcome to get HERE, NOW. Remembering how my heart pounded when I picked up the phone to call a stranger to tell him about my dreams, feeling his arms of acceptance hold me with the reminder:
“Stick with you poetry and your book. Don’t let anybody try to put a dent in your dream. You will see this through. It’s going to happen.”
Thank you Rick, thank you Universe, thank you inner Ki for carrying me to this place. I am grateful.
This is exactly what I wanted to share with you guys. That my dreams, and yours, are so unbelievably important. (They are the reason you are here!) I want to tell you that fear is a part of the process. That letting your intentions be known to the world is the only way to receive help on the path toward your dreams. That ‘fear of rejection and criticism’ FEELS FREAKING AWFUL, but the feeling of a stranger saying that he enjoys what you have created (AND EVEN HAS A FEW FAVORITES) is blissfully therapeutic. That when someone tells you to keep going, to keep pushing, to keep chasing your wildest dreams, you begin to feel worthy of all that life is offering to you RIGHT NOW.
That leaning into fear is the greatest success of all.
Thank you, thank you, thank you Universe for this lesson.
I began this journey to speak up about my experience of this world, in hopes of being heard, in hopes that others would accept me as I am once they had read ‘the book.’ I really, truly thought that a finished product in my hands would bring a feeling of success and accomplishment, and only THEN could I be considered a ‘real’ writer with something to show for it. I must admit, oh how completely wrong I was.
The journey to speak, to be heard, to share my deepest self is already happening. This process of writing, creating, discovering new parts of myself, sharing, laughing, loving, destroying old poems, and revisiting ones I thought I’d forgotten – all of this – IS the arrival.
You guys, I hope to the highest heavens within myself that this book comes to life, that you can hold it in your hands and discover something waiting patiently within you, but if it doesn’t ever happen that way, I am forever grateful for this step, this moment, this arrival right here and now.
I hope you are dancing with your wildest dreams. I hope there are people who want to help you, who want to celebrate your greatness, who will pick you up when fear has chased you to your knees. But please always remember: It is not the finished product, the final show, the last song on the record that makes this journey a success – it is in this moment, the one in which you are currently living, where you will find your arrival, your joy, your deepest and most profound level of success.
Celebrate yourself today. You have already arrived.
With all the light and love I carry,