I have multiple personalities. I am an actress. I decide which role to play every waking moment of the day. One minute I am the loving, nurturing mother to the guy around which my world revolves. The next, I am texting friends inquiring about jobs, weekend plans, and drunken escapades from the previous night’s work party. Just as I designate warm- and cold-weather areas in my closet for clothing to reside separately, each role I assume reigns over a separate, yet cozy, lair in my beautifully chaotic mind.
Unfortunately as of late, it is more difficult to compartmentalize all of my ‘roles.’ I often find myself lecturing friends; giving parental advice; and loaning a dollar here or there only to be acknowledged with, “Thanks, Mom.” (Lindsey – you will never live this down!) Sadly, I am over-empathizing and psychoanalyzing friends so much so that a text is no longer reciprocated with, “Hey Ki, what’s up?” but rather – “Hey mom, how are you?” Good grief Charlie Brown! Since when did my friends start to view me as a MOM? Or worse – a substitute for their mothers? (Only at the most dire times when their lovely mothers are unavailable to chat, of course) I guess I figured that if I was compartmentalizing in my own mind, then my friends were doing the same, right? Wrong.
When we got pregnant – yes, we… it takes two to tango – I never imagined how awkward it would be trying to integrate 20-something Kiley’s lifestyle with, err, Momma Ki’s lifestyle. When friends ask, “Hey want to meet up for dinner tonight?” my first thoughts are, Oh shit – does that mean Lucas is invited? Should I ask? Do I need to get a babysitter? Who was the last person to babysit Lucas? I wonder if so-and-so would mind watching him a second time this week? Even more awkward, truthfully just plain heartbreaking, is when 20-something Ki wants to go out on a Saturday night and has to break the news to bright-eyed Lucas that mommy isn’t partaking in bath, books, and bedtime. Serious Catch-22 happening here, people!! Rock and a hard place!! Welcome to mommyhood, readers. Oy vey.
I play many roles. All of which leave me feeling stressed, anxious, mentally exhausted when tackled individually. Isolating Momma Ki from alter-ego crazy Ki is one of my biggest challenges recently – aside from battling a stubborn 2-year-old who refuses to use his Cars potty – but I digress. Balancing both roles is a daily conundrum. And yet, I am certain that integrating the two is the only solution to maintaining an ounce of sanity in this self-imposed frenzy of a world I call mine.
I prefer not to be the Mom of the group with my friends, but just as I am warming up to reality that I am — in fact — a momma, perhaps I should get cozy with the idea that my friends view me as one as well.
Will 20-something Ki ever accept Momma Ki? Ha, I’ll probably keep on trudging the path of multiple-personalities until my bones grow old and heart, weak. But who knows, maybe I’ll come around one day. Hopefully my inner post-Oz Dorothy scolds me just enough to guilt me into putting on my big girl, Ruby red slippers so as to walk the road toward accepting every part of myself. After all, it is only I who holds the power to change how I view myself. Just gotta click those heels and have a little faith! Such a long road it is.
And yet, it is an even longer road running away.
Learn to accept, love and better yourself