Tag Archives: Mind

Awake

Leave your ego here. Yes, right here at the end of this sentence.

Good, you are in the present moment.

Take these words in – as objectively as possible.

As a great friend once said, “Let your mind focus, and in that focus — set it free.”

 

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What if there is no Heaven? No Hell? What if they are not actually ‘places’ at all?

What if God is with us, here, now, instead of waiting for us at the pearly white gates of Heaven? What if ‘He’ is stabilizing us, just as the ground stabilizes each stride? What if He speaks to us, just as the wind brushes a cheek? What if ‘He’ is not really a ‘He,’ but rather an ‘It’? What if God is actually the Universe?

I can’t say for sure that there are destinations called Heaven and Hell — I like to imagine ‘Heaven’ and ‘Hell’ are elements within us; they make up our being. ‘Heaven’ is the soul within each of us. ‘Hell’ is the mind. In essence, I imagine humans as reflections of the universe. Not reflections of God per say – although I still believe in higher thinking, higher powers. Yet, where some people say ‘God’ is the highest thinker, I say the ‘universe’ is the highest thinker. Therefore, we as humans are very capable of achieving high(er) thinking. ‘Heaven’ and ‘Hell’ within us, however, often intervene and may even hold us back from pursuit of a freeing knowledge – one that is content, peaceful, removed from care and concern.

The Universe is very beautiful, very stubborn, very dangerous at times. So are humans. Very beautiful, very stubborn, very dangerous. The Universe is impermanent — always changing — and I believe humans are no different. We change every day. We grow older; our features fade; we grow weak; we die. Our minds are no different from our bodies. Our minds evolve — just as the old Oak tree grows and strengthens its roots, we cannot forget that it was once a tiny seedling. So, if the Universe and humans are mirror images of impermanence, then how could we ever believe in any fixed, finite places called Heaven and Hell?

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Where is your ego now? Has it returned? What is it saying? Have I challenged your beliefs? Perhaps. I hope I have not angered or offended anyone. Never an intention of mine. These thoughts, they come and they go. Some flourish in my mind, others are never to be seen again. Hopefully your eyes are a bit wider, mind turning a bit quicker, heart beating a bit faster. These are all lovely signs. Signs that you are alive. Just remember, no human knows the answer to Heaven and Hell. Be tolerant of other viewpoints, even if you do not agree. Stand firm in your views. Hold tight to what you know now. After all, the only thing we know for sure – is what the universe offers NOW.

For You, Dear

Look at the moon.

I will do the same.

 

Yes, the moon. There,

Kissing my face. Gazing at me sweetly,

Whispering lovely words this night.

Words coming from afar – and I cannot hear even one.

 

Oh, Dear.

 

The desire to touch them, taste them,

To drink them in

Intoxicates every inch of my being.

Leaving me the happiest creature on this Earth.

 

Her sharp reflections dance freely upon the ocean.

Is our dance as expressive, as loud, as this?

Why is ‘life’ so black, so white?

 

Tell me your color. It would be the same as mine.

Dear, are we colorblind?

Memories hold us, here, now.

Nourishing the soul as a mother’s breast to her babe.

 

Your body and mind will fail you

And one day you will forget.

Wrinkled, frayed, to dust you’ll be.

 

In the darkness, now.

The unknown, now known.

I – will no longer be – I.

You – no longer – you.

 

As one – everything – will be.

Drowning in serenity.

I’ll wait for you.

Until then.

 

Please, breathe

Strength and courage

Into me.

Let your winds push me.

 

Remember the moon.

For she is all we have.

Dance to the songs in my head.

Please, let me sing them again.

 

Please, Dear.

 

Close your eyes now.

I will do the same.

 

 

 

 

–Original Poem–

 

 

 

 

Inspiration: (Lyrics from) Passenger, Matt Kearney, & Peter Bradley Adams

Thanks to: Two blog readers in particular (you know who you are) — who keep my mind active, my senses curious, and my dream alive. Sending my best to you.

 

***Featured Image courtesy of Righno Boutique***

Something beautiful

There are these moments in time

When you know you have done wrong.

And you know the world is laughing at you.

Pushing you.

 

Take it all away. This mess we’re in.

My body aches, my mind cries.

We’ve done this for so long.

Who are we now?

 

I see a different face,

Feel a weaker touch,

Taste a bitter kiss.

Who am I?

 

The same lies.

Worn out hopes.

Played out dreams.

We’re sinking, walls crumbling.

 

Inside I’m screaming. Oh how my thoughts let me down.

Let’s run.

Far away from these damn games. This damn place.

Our paths undone.

 

Breathe in, breath out.

Break down and move on.

I’ll push you, you pull me.

Hold tight. 

 

You’re so damn stubborn — but new hopes, new dreams, they form.

Life seeps from your pores.

Color in your cheeks, light burning in your eyes.

Passion in your breath.

 

The silence. Listen.

It is calm. Do not fear it.

Drink it in. It will become you, as I’ve always said.

Wake, again.

 

Good morning, my love.

Good to see you, again.

Here, now, awake.

Now, hold on to this.

 

Hold on tight.

Be still in the now.

Be gone with the old.

In time we’ll sort it out.

 

 

–Original Poem–

Fleeting Thought

What do you know for sure? Think about it: What do you really know for sure? No, not that you own two cars, have a mortgage, three children, and a vacation home in Maine. What do you know about life? Have you ever truly loved? What about unconditional love; what does that feel like? And do we FEEL it, or do we KNOW it? Is there such a thing as unconditional anything? Can we experience true friendships? Are people ever REALLY altruistic?

Other than the fact that I know, for sure, that I was once fertile (i.e. a child passed through my birth canal approximately three years ago) I’m not sure that I know anything at all. When my son asks what color the sky is, I say blue. But how do I know that what I see as blue is what he sees as blue? How do I know that when I touch a smooth rock, Lucas perceives ‘smooth’ upon touching the rock as well? When I tell him I love him, and he reciprocates, what is his foundation of love?

When he replies with ‘Why?’ to every declarative statement I make, I find myself confused, challenged, unsure of how exactly to respond. He is so inquisitive, and I am at a loss these days. I don’t have any clever responses anymore. I tell him the train is passing our home, and he asks, ‘Why?’

All the while I’m thinking What do you mean ‘Why?’ So I answer: Because it has to go bye-bye to the next town.

‘Why?’ – Lucas.

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Lucas’ incessant questioning has led me to do just that: question the world… and my busy mind finds peace in one statement:

“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.”

Socrates

I challenge you to tell yourself what you know for sure in this world.

Can you?

Cheers, Readers.

 

 

 

More fleeting thoughts HERE!

Multiple Personalities

I have multiple personalities. I am an actress. I decide which role to play every waking moment of the day. One minute I am the loving, nurturing mother to the guy around which my world revolves. The next, I am texting friends inquiring about jobs, weekend plans, and drunken escapades from the previous night’s work party. Just as I designate warm- and cold-weather areas in my closet for clothing to reside separately, each role I assume reigns over a separate, yet cozy, lair in my beautifully chaotic mind.

Unfortunately as of late, it is more difficult to compartmentalize all of my ‘roles.’  I often find myself lecturing friends; giving parental advice; and loaning a dollar here or there only to be acknowledged with, “Thanks, Mom.” (Lindsey – you will never live this down!) Sadly, I am over-empathizing and psychoanalyzing friends so much so that a text is no longer reciprocated with, “Hey Ki, what’s up?” but rather – “Hey mom, how are you?” Good grief Charlie Brown! Since when did my friends start to view me as a MOM? Or worse – a substitute for their mothers? (Only at the most dire times when their lovely mothers are unavailable to chat, of course) I guess I figured that if I was compartmentalizing in my own mind, then my friends were doing the same, right? Wrong.

When we got pregnant – yes, we… it takes two to tango – I never imagined how awkward it would be trying to integrate 20-something Kiley’s lifestyle with, err, Momma Kis lifestyle. When friends ask, “Hey want to meet up for dinner tonight?” my first thoughts are, Oh shit – does that mean Lucas is invited? Should I ask? Do I need to get a babysitter? Who was the last person to babysit Lucas? I wonder if so-and-so would mind watching him a second time this week? Even more awkward, truthfully just plain heartbreaking, is when 20-something Ki wants to go out on a Saturday night and has to break the news to bright-eyed Lucas that mommy isn’t partaking in bath, books, and bedtime. Serious Catch-22 happening here, people!! Rock and a hard place!! Welcome to mommyhood, readers. Oy vey.

I play many roles. All of which leave me feeling stressed, anxious, mentally exhausted when tackled individually. Isolating Momma Ki from alter-ego crazy Ki is one of my biggest challenges recently – aside from battling a stubborn 2-year-old who refuses to use his Cars potty – but I digress. Balancing both roles is a daily conundrum. And yet, I am certain that integrating the two is the only solution to maintaining an ounce of sanity in this self-imposed frenzy of a world I call mine.

I prefer not to be the Mom of the group with my friends, but just as I am warming up to reality that I am — in fact — a momma, perhaps I should get cozy with the idea that my friends view me as one as well.

Will 20-something Ki ever accept Momma Ki? Ha, I’ll probably keep on trudging the path of multiple-personalities until my bones grow old and heart, weak. But who knows, maybe I’ll come around one day. Hopefully my inner post-Oz Dorothy scolds me just enough to guilt me into putting on my big girl, Ruby red slippers so as to walk the road toward accepting every part of myself. After all, it is only I who holds the power to change how I view myself. Just gotta click those heels and have a little faith! Such a long road it is. 

And yet, it is an even longer road running away.

 

 

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Learn to accept, love and better yourself

Cheers!

Panic

You are alone in a room full of people. Yes, alone. You’re like that fly on the wall. You feel smaller. You are smaller. Or maybe you were always small. In this moment you are no longer human. You are insignificant. Your eyes dart from human to human. Your presence annoys them. Distracts them. The weight of their thoughts consumes you. Crushes you until you are breathless.
 
Out of breath, you cannot speak. The undertow of thoughts swallows you whole. Your body is floating. The wave carries you to the cloud that blankets your sight and suffocates your mind. You feel nothing but pure panic. No thought. No word. Nothing. You are nothing. You are sure they hear your heart pounding – no, screaming.
 
You are left weak, sweating, exhausted. A human approaches. Your eyes meet. Tunnel vision subsides, and you realize – you too – are human. Your feet are, in fact, on the ground. Your shirt is stained from perspiration, but practically no one notices. Practically. You catch your breath. You flip the switch. You are back on earth.
 
You just had a panic attack.
 
And you survived.
 
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Had a request from a reader to share exactly what I experience during a panic attack. I hope this sheds some light on my struggle.
 
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**Featured image taken for Righno Boutique, LLC photo shoot — See MORE!

What are you fighting for?

Can you answer the question – What are you fighting for – without hesitation? When prompted this question just a day ago, I hesitated and felt tears swell up behind my eyes as a large lump collected in my throat. What an intense, loaded question. What am I fighting for in my life?
 
Let me back track for a moment… this question came about during a highly anticipated phone call with a complete stranger located halfway across the world. Perhaps I will explain in a later blog post how this situation came about. But for now, that bit of information is highly relevant because as most of my readers know, I am a ball of nerves on every day ending in –y. Therefore, a phone call with a stranger was not the easiest task for me to complete, let alone think clearly through and answer intelligently to any questions all the while. Thus, the perfect storm for emotions to swallow me up and spit me out.
 
Back to the question – What are you fighting for?
 
As I paused to think, the only courage I could muster up was to say, “independence.” I was so nervous at that moment that I’m not exactly sure of her response. After coming down from the clouds and shedding my blanket of anxiety, I was able to explain to her the significance of my answer: independence as an individual – a desire to pursue my passions, finish my education, continue writing. Simply to take time, for me.
 
Her next question: “Then why haven’t you gone back to school –thus furthered this path?” I felt the tears come back. A total rush of emotions prevented sound from escaping.
This lovely stranger sensed hesitation and prompted some answers. She kindly said:
  • Are you afraid that you can’t do it?
  • Are you worried about giving up time with Lucas? Or lastly,
  • Do you not know exactly what you want to do with your life?
I had to laugh and asked her, “Can I answer all of the above?”
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What the hell was I thinking answering independence? I’ve been stuck on my subconscious answer since speaking with the lovely stranger. Yes, I’ve talked about my dreams and aspirations on this blog before, but I can’t help but wonder if a little voice inside me was screaming independence instead of calmly answering, independence. As an adult, I have all the freedom in the world to do as I please, but something is holding me back. I wonder sometimes if the only thing holding me back, is me?
 
Sometimes our sixth sense, that gut feeling we all have deep down inside, screams so loudly – but too often our minds get in the way and muffle the cry. The mind tells us change is foreign; change is scary; beware of change! What would happen if we quieted the mind, if only for a moment, and let the sixth sense sing its song?
 
I woke up this morning and felt the urge to write. My mind emphatically interjected and reminded me, “Child is awake, get breakfast ready, don’t forget to go to the store, and DON’T forget the list.”
 
Instead, I listened to the song within… and I wrote it down. After vehemently denying my mind’s attempt to list off my motherly duties and deciding instead to tap into my inner poet, I was left with one final thought…

 “I get so excited when thoughts flow from hand to pen; from pen to paper. Although transient, for that moment in time I am reassured of something bigger, something far greater than myself.”

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Listen to that inner voice and sing your song. Fight for it, and it will set you free.
“When we feel responsible, concerned, and committed, we begin to feel deep emotion and great courage.”
– 14th Dalai Lama