Tag Archives: Passion

Runaway

Do you think of me often, like I do you?

Catch wind of your name

Fire ablaze within.          

Painted pink, heavy breath, wet palms.

Infectious thoughts, they are.

 

Do you remember the day I let you go?

Airplanes lending our secrets to the clouds.

You think it shows?

You could be happy now.

I’d rather not know.

 

Loved you first when we were children.

I don’t want to waste another minute

Reminiscing.

God, I don’t want to wait until tomorrow

To tell you how I’d feel the rest of my life*

 

Do you remember the look in my eyes?

The one for you, and you only?

You left me upside down, you know that?

Now you sit warmly behind the walls

You’ve built. Shame, I didn’t see them then.

 

 

Can you recall the endless conversation

Over dinner that changed my life?

Words dancing freely from my mouth to yours.

Yours to mine. God my cheeks burned as I grinned.

High above the world we were. Eastern city lights admiring our bliss.

 

And now? Strangers, you and I.

I sit bitterly with my fairytales and firesides.

Intimate with the love you never gave.

God it feels good to dream.

The idea of you silencing my truth.

 

Your pride looks good on your arm.

You two make a great pair.

Does she laugh with you too?

Can she love you as I always do?

Dining for one suits you well.

 

Check, please.

 

 

——Original Love Story——

 

 

*Inspiration: Lyrics from Mat Kearney’s City of Black and White

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Trains

Some days I wonder if Lucas is my child. I really wonder, “Should I take a maternity test??” He is just so brilliant, so social, so – opposite — from me.

 

I think such thoughts, with sarcasm of course, but I really do wonder. I do. I wonder if he is going to be like me? In what areas of academia he will take after me? I wonder if he will be stricken with anxiety, like me? Or if he will be of an even temperament; calm, cool, collected, like his dad? (Fingers crossed!!!)

For thinking such thoughts, I know my Karma is dealing her hand to me every morning before the sun is awake. How? You might wonder.

Trains.

 

Before I can even open my eyes in the morning, it happens without fail – Lucas is screaming and crying in desperation. Running out of his room and into the hallway. Why??  Answer again: Trains. We live on a relatively quiet road. Quiet, except for the fact that a rather busy railroad track is located practically in our backyard. Ah, so lovely at first to admire the passing trains – three years ago when we first moved in. Yet, now. Those damn trains have become Lucas’ obsession. I’m not even sure if obsession is the strongest word to use in this moment. He lives trains. He breathes trains. If he could eat trains, I’m sure he would be delighted. The first train passes at 6AM, and Lucas runs out of his room, down the stairs, and outside to say “Hi” and “Bye” each morning – accompanied by a parent, of course.

I just cannot tell you how awful and beautiful this situation really is. I begin my day with screaming, crying, sheer panic (if you ask me). Anxiety about whether I can scoop him up and rush him outside quick enough so as to ensure we DO NOT miss the first train, really, it’s exhausting. I’m exhausted. Side note, now that I’m thinking about it — is this a means of spoiling him?? Ahhhhh, I will blog about this at a later date. Awful, as I said.

Yet, so wonderful. We all have our ‘trains.’ Don’t you think? We all have our passions – often disguised as obsessions, right? So why should I be so stressed, so impatient with my lovely screaming wake-up call? I can relate to little, panicky Lucas. I see an opportunity to write and I think, “Ahhhhhhhh!!! The thoughts are flooding, get it down on paper NOW!!!”  I become quite obsessed in those moments, frantically searching for the first sign of a decently sharpened pencil and any piece of paper (receipt, paid bill, unpaid bill for that matter) to ensure my thoughts have a final destination, a place to rest while my mind recovers from the downpour of thoughts. Obsession, as I said. Beautiful – because quite honestly – it is a love. A creative love, a passionate love, a love deep down in my core. That obsession, that constant state of — “What can I create today? What will I write today?” – That is the same fuel in Lucas that boils as he is running, tears flowing, to see his love, trains.  

I think we have to remember to appreciate others’ paths in life, even if we do not quite understand them. We have to really look at what drives others, what motivates others, to do what they do. Look around at your loved ones, family and friends alike. Do you see their trains?

Why not hop on for a ride? You may not know where they are going. You may not even reach a destination on their trip. But why not sit back and enjoy the scenery? Take a few pictures, perhaps. Share those moments with them. Enjoy the ride.

 

Cheers, readers.

Love Yourself

If you haven’t read What I Know Now – Letters to My Younger Self, read it. Then read it again. Then share it with a friend.
What would you tell your younger self? Look at your life at this exact moment. In retrospect, would you tell a naive you to take another path? Or would you tell ‘yourself’ to buckle up, hold on tight and enjoy the ride? This is your chance to inspire, yourself.
—————————————-
Ki,
It has been a trying twenty three years thus far. You’ve graduated high school, proven yourself worthy of academic scholarships by Hanover’s standards, oh and how could I forget you birthed an enormous child, created a new life in Midwest America, and you have fervently driven yourself into madness trying to answer the questions in your heart that most people don’t answer in a lifetime.
To you, sixteen-year-old Ki, first and foremost you are beautiful. You don’t know that now, I’m not sure you ever will… but try every day to believe it in your heart. Second, you are brilliant. Maybe not by most “normal people’s standards,” but your creativity is rare, unique, passionate. You are not Edgar Allan Poe, but follow his lead. Having role models is key. You know that gut feeling you have now as you sit in English class? Hold on to that. Hold on tight, Kiley. It is OKAY to feel something special when you write. It is OKAY to be a thinker; to be a dreamer. It is OKAY to share your thoughts. Share with everyone. Share your talents. Build your confidence now because I can tell you from experience that the longer you wait, the more you will struggle expressing what you know to be true.
STOP with the fake smile. It is OKAY to be real with people. Being real does not mean showing everyone what they want to see; saying everything others want to hear. Being real is where your life begins, not ends. It is not the end of the world to cry and show people that you are only human.
STOP giving away your love with such ease. People will take advantage of your love. I’m telling you now that the greatest love you will ever know is not far off in the future. His love is beautiful. His love is new. His love is pure.
Have confidence that you will make the right decisions for you. Your path will be different than most your age, but wonderfully adventurous (if you enjoy not sleeping for the rest of your life). If you haven’t caught on already, you will be a young mother. Can you believe it? You will be someone’s role model; someone’s biggest influence for the rest of his life. Have the confidence to know you are a careful listener, a lifelong teacher, an amazing mother.
Lastly, enjoy the short-lived experience that is college.
Your days of:
  • Living for yourself
  • Zero responsibility (except good grades and occasionally dragging your ass out of bed to show up to class) and
  • Building friendships that will last long after your impulsive exit from Hanover (yes, impulsive)
…..will feel like the blink of an eye.
Kiley, if you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will. If you don’t love yourself, no one else truly can. If you could only read this, at sixteen, oh how different you – I – would be.
Love,
Yourself