Tag Archives: Soul

Reflections

Do you ever have moments when you feel ‘alone?’ No one understands. No one hears you. No one sees you. No one gets it. No one gets – you. What do you do in those moments? Do you cry? Do you work harder? Do you reach out to someone? Or do you just look in the mirror?

You know, it’s funny – I started this blog, feeling alone. Drowning in self doubt, I started to ‘speak up’ about my struggle. My fears. My depression. Funny because I wasn’t speaking at all. I was hiding out, behind my computer screen. Talking to no one. No human interaction. All that stared back at me were my words. A reflection of Me. Myself. My deepest feelings. My craziest of thoughts. Nothing more. Nothing less. Never really knowing ‘who’ was reading. Never really knowing ‘who’ cared enough to come back for the next post. Never really feeling ‘connected.’ Once again, alone. Once again, looking in the mirror.

Unsatisfied, soul exposed, thoughts free floating on the Internet – a representation of me – I longed for support. Dreamt of the day I received an anonymous email from a stranger just to say, “Hey – read the blog. I can relate.” For months, family and close friends smiled and said – be patient, Ki – you’ve only just begun. And I waited, reflecting about each post, wondering how I could be more exposed, how I could go beyond the point of comfort and into the realm of reality…. A destination just past my feelings and within reach of touching another’s soul. Embracing empathy and relating to others’ pain. But how? I didn’t know. So I ended each day perplexed, looking at the girl in the mirror.

Addicted To Doing became LifeofKi and something shifted. My confidence? Maybe. My free spirit emerging? Probably. I noticed my writing became my therapy. My lifeline to healing. The inevitable therapist who would hear me – scared, suffering, desperate for change. Writing brought the tears. Writing wiped those tears away. Writing brought the fear out – and set it free. Looking at this blog now, I see the past. I see the change. I see the shift. I see the good, I see the bad. I see the reflections. The shades of Ki. Neurotic, crazy Ki. Loving, mommy Ki. Confused, desperately longing for something more Ki. Lover Ki. Fighter Ki. I see it all. Right here. In the mirror that is LifeofKi.

I’ve dreamt of days like today – when I wake up and see emails from all over the world. Italy, Canada, the States, Israel, etc. My friends, reaching out to me, reflecting on life – struggles – work – dreams. You see, when you tap into your authentic self – when you show who you are, who you want to be, who you’d rather not be – people feel it. People see it. People empathize. People reach out. People respond to that.  Maybe these friends see something good in me. My hope is that they are responding to the good within themselves. My hope, to you friends, is that you look into the mirror too, and know you’re not alone. Know you have my support; you have my help; you have a piece of the shades of Ki. When you look in the mirror, see more than just the reflection that stares back at you. Remember who has helped create and continues to support that beautiful being in the mirror.

 

 

Musical Inspiration behind this post; thank you Danny —

Mirror

 

 

 

**Featured image courtesy of Righno Boutique***

 

Related Post:

Weeks Like This

When you let her go

I don’t know you.

But I want to.

Cloudy, murky waters

Laying stagnant in my mind.

 

Messenger birds deliver these words.

Upon their feathers,

My heart.

Upon their arrival,

Open yours.

 

Upside down.

Right side up.

Wonderful games.

Our souls play freely.

 

You paint me black.

Dear Love, I’m falling.

The hum of our secrets dives with me.

Your brush strokes firmly draw the line.

 

Let me down easily,

And I’ll bat my lashes.

Reel you in,

Prize fish, you’re mine.

 

Did you misread my lips?

Oh boy, smile again.

This talk can wait.

Laugh with this ignorant bliss.

 

Let me guide you,

Take your hands.

Follow mine.

Conjure up regrettable memories.

 

Melt into these sheets,

Tired bedclothes at best.

Muster a smile for me, again.

Forget the rest.

 

Flaming words burn on your lips.

Not now.

Not soon.

Not ever.

 

Rest easy, you say?

You are loved, you say?

We can never lose

What we have never found.

 

Did you smile at this bliss,

Playfully loving me?

Walk proud as you leave

For you set the caged bird free.

 

Did I ever deserve you?

Will you ever deserve me?

Be gentle with your soul

For now it carries of piece of us, unseen.

 

—–Original Poem——

 

I want to thank my readers for being patient with me – as this blog has become an escape for my poetic words to float freely, wildly yelling my deepest thoughts, perhaps my deepest regrets, feelings and sorrows. Poetry, for me – is one of the most therapeutic ‘ways’ of handling intense emotion, and something beautiful inevitably emerges from the rush of feelings that floods my mind – or that is the hope, at least! Sometimes I wish I could just say, “This is what is going on in my life, now I’m going to talk about it on this blog….” But I find that to respect those in my life, and to create something relatable to you – my wonderful readers – poetry is a way to connect on multiple levels. If you think about it – your perception of my words is your own. Each poem is perceived differently with each reader. Perhaps you know exactly what I’m saying, and perhaps you don’t understand the words but you understand the feelings. My hope is that if you can connect, even with one line, one word, then my job is done. If you have that moment where you think to yourself, “Ah, I get it Ki. I get it” then I sit happy, here, now.

Proudly embrace your passions. Continue creating. Continue the flow. Stay focused — feet firmly planted upon your foundation of truth.

Cheers, readers.

-Ki

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Musical influence for this post: Passenger – Let Her Go

 

 

 

Energy

It has been 16 months since May.

Memory of you hides in the dusty shadows of my mind.

I can’t recall the taste of your aura

Nor the smell of your presence. 

 

My mind is so foggy since our eyes last met.

But my senses are open –

Ready for you again.

 

Remind me of your brilliance.

Consume all of my senses.

Steal each thought from my mind if you must.

Swallow me up,

Promise to embrace me once more.

 

The sandy grit of your presence – I see you from afar.

Like a thief

You steal my breath.

My demons walk with me as I approach your coy ‘Hello.’

Thank God you see me the way you do; strange as you are to me.

 

Here we are. Together again.

You wear a different color, unknown to me.

Perhaps my senses have weakened.

Surely my memory has not failed me.

Or has it?

 

Your embrace – it crashes into me.

I stumble, but you stabilize me, as always.

Words fail me each time the sun sprinkles her rays on our skin as one.

You nurse my soul, mending the crippled corners.

 

The wind is stronger now.

My senses are clearer now.

Your kiss is cool and forceful.

 

Eternal passion flows in you, out of you, into me.

I feel your energy piercing my skin,

Hot as the sand beneath my feet.

 

I see your persistence.

I can taste this love.

 

Beautiful Ocean of mine,

You never fail to cleanse me.

Awake, yet again.

 

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–Original Poem–

Burn

Sometimes we see a light.

It is so bright, so brilliant, so lovely that we become entranced by it.

Blinded by it.

It holds us so closely.

We become lost within it.

Wading in its newness.

Showering in the fresh aromas that it brings.

The first sight of it takes us – picks us up, shakes us – as if to say, I am here. Look at me.

Now.

 

We often forget what the light really is.

What is it?

Abstract: We cannot touch it, cannot taste it, cannot smell it.

It is right in front of us.

And yet, it is never to be reached. Never to be caught.

Never can we grasp it. Never can we hold on to it.

Never can we say, look at this – THIS is tangible. THIS is in my hands, now.

 

Our minds scorn our bodies —

After all, they cannot grasp the depth of the light.

The mind, too tired to wait for the body to understand this light,

Takes over.

It is this moment that we – all consumed by the pull of the light – hear the mind.

Her chatter, so loud. Her words, so cunning. Her sentences, so verbose.

But wait, what is that? What is that whisper?

The words are too loud. The whispers, too soft.

The mind:

It wins.

 

The Mind… she says… “The pull of what we can’t give up takes hold.”

 

So we let the light slip.

We let it go.

Because we cannot have it, we set it free.

We forget its importance. We lose sight….

Of it.

And the light moves on….

 

To curious eyes, to curious minds.

The light is seen again.

The light lives on.

 

 

….in those who choose to listen to the whispers …

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Stay curious, always.

See the light, now.

Let it burn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

–Original Poem–

 

 

 

 

 

Inspiration: Lyrics from —

Jay Brannan’s “Say It’s Possible”

Ellie Goulding’s “Burn”

 

Awake

Leave your ego here. Yes, right here at the end of this sentence.

Good, you are in the present moment.

Take these words in – as objectively as possible.

As a great friend once said, “Let your mind focus, and in that focus — set it free.”

 

———————————————————————————————————-

 

What if there is no Heaven? No Hell? What if they are not actually ‘places’ at all?

What if God is with us, here, now, instead of waiting for us at the pearly white gates of Heaven? What if ‘He’ is stabilizing us, just as the ground stabilizes each stride? What if He speaks to us, just as the wind brushes a cheek? What if ‘He’ is not really a ‘He,’ but rather an ‘It’? What if God is actually the Universe?

I can’t say for sure that there are destinations called Heaven and Hell — I like to imagine ‘Heaven’ and ‘Hell’ are elements within us; they make up our being. ‘Heaven’ is the soul within each of us. ‘Hell’ is the mind. In essence, I imagine humans as reflections of the universe. Not reflections of God per say – although I still believe in higher thinking, higher powers. Yet, where some people say ‘God’ is the highest thinker, I say the ‘universe’ is the highest thinker. Therefore, we as humans are very capable of achieving high(er) thinking. ‘Heaven’ and ‘Hell’ within us, however, often intervene and may even hold us back from pursuit of a freeing knowledge – one that is content, peaceful, removed from care and concern.

The Universe is very beautiful, very stubborn, very dangerous at times. So are humans. Very beautiful, very stubborn, very dangerous. The Universe is impermanent — always changing — and I believe humans are no different. We change every day. We grow older; our features fade; we grow weak; we die. Our minds are no different from our bodies. Our minds evolve — just as the old Oak tree grows and strengthens its roots, we cannot forget that it was once a tiny seedling. So, if the Universe and humans are mirror images of impermanence, then how could we ever believe in any fixed, finite places called Heaven and Hell?

——————————————————————————–

Where is your ego now? Has it returned? What is it saying? Have I challenged your beliefs? Perhaps. I hope I have not angered or offended anyone. Never an intention of mine. These thoughts, they come and they go. Some flourish in my mind, others are never to be seen again. Hopefully your eyes are a bit wider, mind turning a bit quicker, heart beating a bit faster. These are all lovely signs. Signs that you are alive. Just remember, no human knows the answer to Heaven and Hell. Be tolerant of other viewpoints, even if you do not agree. Stand firm in your views. Hold tight to what you know now. After all, the only thing we know for sure – is what the universe offers NOW.

For You, Dear

Look at the moon.

I will do the same.

 

Yes, the moon. There,

Kissing my face. Gazing at me sweetly,

Whispering lovely words this night.

Words coming from afar – and I cannot hear even one.

 

Oh, Dear.

 

The desire to touch them, taste them,

To drink them in

Intoxicates every inch of my being.

Leaving me the happiest creature on this Earth.

 

Her sharp reflections dance freely upon the ocean.

Is our dance as expressive, as loud, as this?

Why is ‘life’ so black, so white?

 

Tell me your color. It would be the same as mine.

Dear, are we colorblind?

Memories hold us, here, now.

Nourishing the soul as a mother’s breast to her babe.

 

Your body and mind will fail you

And one day you will forget.

Wrinkled, frayed, to dust you’ll be.

 

In the darkness, now.

The unknown, now known.

I – will no longer be – I.

You – no longer – you.

 

As one – everything – will be.

Drowning in serenity.

I’ll wait for you.

Until then.

 

Please, breathe

Strength and courage

Into me.

Let your winds push me.

 

Remember the moon.

For she is all we have.

Dance to the songs in my head.

Please, let me sing them again.

 

Please, Dear.

 

Close your eyes now.

I will do the same.

 

 

 

 

–Original Poem–

 

 

 

 

Inspiration: (Lyrics from) Passenger, Matt Kearney, & Peter Bradley Adams

Thanks to: Two blog readers in particular (you know who you are) — who keep my mind active, my senses curious, and my dream alive. Sending my best to you.

 

***Featured Image courtesy of Righno Boutique***

Delicious Ambiguity

Sunrise, I see your smile.

A fluttering wind, I feel your kiss.

Dusk, I hear your soul’s melancholic lullaby.

How can I miss you – when you are with me, always?

 

The green reminds me of better pastures.

Temptation hidden silently under each unturned leaf,

Illusive beauty screaming.

Coy winds always do cause a shiver to the spine.

 

Can you hear my thoughts?

Can you touch my soul?

I know I love you,

If that’s all we can take.

 

Where are you now, dear love?

I’m an open book: read from cover to cover.

Let your eyes guide you. Mind mislead you.

Heart appease you. Shall I tease you?

 

I wish you would…

Take your love with you.

Just let me go.

 

Quit these dreams.

I’ll miss you so.

Each tear you cry for me

Waters the seed, full grown.

 

 

 

–Original Poem–

 

 

 

 

Inspiration: Edward Maya and Matt Kearney

Sex or Love?

Quick food for thought —

During an interesting “life” conversation with a friend, I was asked to pick between the two: love versus sex, if I could only have one for the rest of my life. Without hesitation, I preached:

Great sex only lasts so long. Old age takes away spontaneity, sex drive, good looks. But love, love is forgiving and transcends any bodily transformation or momentary pleasure. Love pleases the heart, always. Even in tough times – if love remains, anything is overcome. Love is a glimpse into the soul, and I’d rather have access to one’s soul that to one’s penis (sorry to be so frank). Essentially, without graphically going into detail, there will come a day when our bodies decide sex is no longer an option. Then, with what are you left?