Tag Archives: Strength

Lost and Living It

Would you agree if I said, All journeys begin with a question?

What type of journeys? You might ask. Well, any. Let me ask you this: What is beginning in your life? What is ending? What is changing? What is shifting? New job? New classes this semester? New students? Friendships forming? Others fading? Lost a relative? Newly retired? Regardless of where you are on the spectrum of this life, think for just one moment: What is this cycle that catches us as we live each day and pushes us to face the friendly foe that is: change and impermanence? More importantly, are you prepared to face what today is offering to you, dear friend?

My ego often speaks very loudly, saying I’m the only one going through this; no one understands. On those days, I submissively give in to fear and doubt, inevitably feeling lost. I wish I could see the power of those weak moments. I wish I could say to myself: Kiley! You feel lost, yes. But you stand here, now. You’re sad, yes. It shall pass, soon. There are tears, yes. They will dry, as always. Kiley, be proud that you continue to live each moment. You may feel lost now, but you’re lost and living it.

Each moment is so precious in this life. A dear friend often reminds me that there are no ordinary moments. I agree. Every person’s journey is his own to take. Each person’s journey is his own to experience, to live fully, to enjoy. I’ve found that the many paths I’ve walked down have taken me to beautiful, yet perplexing corners of life. Some paths are very obviously paved for me to follow; others, overgrown weeds stand as stubborn obstacles for me to overcome. Any way I look at it, each path serves a purpose in my life. Each path I take, each path I explore brings me closer to knowing my true self.

You know, we walk these paths – as parents, teachers, doctors, artists, salespeople, caretakers, etc. Sometimes we walk numerous paths simultaneously. The ego says, You must be good at everything you do!! Get the job done, and do it well! But do not be dismayed, dear friend.  These journeys we take, they are not mere ‘things’ to be conquered and completed.  They are not simply obstacles to be overcome. We should not take on new journeys with fixed plans and final destinations in mind. These shifts in life, these new paths, really are a gift to you. A gift to be cherished, not a race to be completed. These moments are gifts and lessons, wrapped up in one. Your journey should take time, be questioned, explored. Be patient with yourself, on each new journey.

Change — Impermanence — New beginnings – they do not discriminate. We all experience them. Maybe instead of asking: Why do I feel so lost? Why is this happening to me? Why now? Instead, acknowledge the change. Embrace the shift in your life. Know that you feel lost, but that there is nothing to search for. Every answer to each question that lay heavily on your heart lies quietly within yourself. Why not be Lost and Live it? Why not be Lost and Love it? Search for nothing, my dear friend. You are whole from the very beginning.

Ask those questions and take the next step on this path of yours. This is your life.

Why not live it?

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Cheers readers!

Reflections

Do you ever have moments when you feel ‘alone?’ No one understands. No one hears you. No one sees you. No one gets it. No one gets – you. What do you do in those moments? Do you cry? Do you work harder? Do you reach out to someone? Or do you just look in the mirror?

You know, it’s funny – I started this blog, feeling alone. Drowning in self doubt, I started to ‘speak up’ about my struggle. My fears. My depression. Funny because I wasn’t speaking at all. I was hiding out, behind my computer screen. Talking to no one. No human interaction. All that stared back at me were my words. A reflection of Me. Myself. My deepest feelings. My craziest of thoughts. Nothing more. Nothing less. Never really knowing ‘who’ was reading. Never really knowing ‘who’ cared enough to come back for the next post. Never really feeling ‘connected.’ Once again, alone. Once again, looking in the mirror.

Unsatisfied, soul exposed, thoughts free floating on the Internet – a representation of me – I longed for support. Dreamt of the day I received an anonymous email from a stranger just to say, “Hey – read the blog. I can relate.” For months, family and close friends smiled and said – be patient, Ki – you’ve only just begun. And I waited, reflecting about each post, wondering how I could be more exposed, how I could go beyond the point of comfort and into the realm of reality…. A destination just past my feelings and within reach of touching another’s soul. Embracing empathy and relating to others’ pain. But how? I didn’t know. So I ended each day perplexed, looking at the girl in the mirror.

Addicted To Doing became LifeofKi and something shifted. My confidence? Maybe. My free spirit emerging? Probably. I noticed my writing became my therapy. My lifeline to healing. The inevitable therapist who would hear me – scared, suffering, desperate for change. Writing brought the tears. Writing wiped those tears away. Writing brought the fear out – and set it free. Looking at this blog now, I see the past. I see the change. I see the shift. I see the good, I see the bad. I see the reflections. The shades of Ki. Neurotic, crazy Ki. Loving, mommy Ki. Confused, desperately longing for something more Ki. Lover Ki. Fighter Ki. I see it all. Right here. In the mirror that is LifeofKi.

I’ve dreamt of days like today – when I wake up and see emails from all over the world. Italy, Canada, the States, Israel, etc. My friends, reaching out to me, reflecting on life – struggles – work – dreams. You see, when you tap into your authentic self – when you show who you are, who you want to be, who you’d rather not be – people feel it. People see it. People empathize. People reach out. People respond to that.  Maybe these friends see something good in me. My hope is that they are responding to the good within themselves. My hope, to you friends, is that you look into the mirror too, and know you’re not alone. Know you have my support; you have my help; you have a piece of the shades of Ki. When you look in the mirror, see more than just the reflection that stares back at you. Remember who has helped create and continues to support that beautiful being in the mirror.

 

 

Musical Inspiration behind this post; thank you Danny —

Mirror

 

 

 

**Featured image courtesy of Righno Boutique***

 

Related Post:

Weeks Like This

Gratitude

I recently seized an opportunity to write for an inspirational website called The Easier Softer Way.  Writing for a new audience gave me a chance to distance myself a bit from LifeofKi and challenge myself as a writer to speak in a new voice. I hope to have opportunities such as this one in the future to branch out — reaching new eyes and ears. For now, I’d like to share the intimate ‘original piece’ I wrote in honor of my dear friend’s late father.

“It happened again today – when I learned that my childhood best friend’s father is dying. I am, once again, intimate with fear; death; dying. I think I pushed it away when my Grandpa passed.  Could be any day now – his death. What to say when all we do is wait for him to die? Words fail me in this moment. Words fail me today.”

With eyes blinded by tears and hearts stricken with grief, we mourn the loss of my dear friend’s father. His soul left his body but a few weeks ago. As she drowns in his memories, my friend feels lost and alone. I cannot begin to comprehend her grief; the enormity of the loss; the depth of the void she now feels. Words fail me yet again. So I offer to her the most beautiful healer of all, Mother Nature….  for the ‘original piece’ in its entirety —  The Easier Softer Way

 

Related:

In a Sea of Unknowns — (Post for The Easier Softer Way)

 

 

 

 

 

For You, Dear

Look at the moon.

I will do the same.

 

Yes, the moon. There,

Kissing my face. Gazing at me sweetly,

Whispering lovely words this night.

Words coming from afar – and I cannot hear even one.

 

Oh, Dear.

 

The desire to touch them, taste them,

To drink them in

Intoxicates every inch of my being.

Leaving me the happiest creature on this Earth.

 

Her sharp reflections dance freely upon the ocean.

Is our dance as expressive, as loud, as this?

Why is ‘life’ so black, so white?

 

Tell me your color. It would be the same as mine.

Dear, are we colorblind?

Memories hold us, here, now.

Nourishing the soul as a mother’s breast to her babe.

 

Your body and mind will fail you

And one day you will forget.

Wrinkled, frayed, to dust you’ll be.

 

In the darkness, now.

The unknown, now known.

I – will no longer be – I.

You – no longer – you.

 

As one – everything – will be.

Drowning in serenity.

I’ll wait for you.

Until then.

 

Please, breathe

Strength and courage

Into me.

Let your winds push me.

 

Remember the moon.

For she is all we have.

Dance to the songs in my head.

Please, let me sing them again.

 

Please, Dear.

 

Close your eyes now.

I will do the same.

 

 

 

 

–Original Poem–

 

 

 

 

Inspiration: (Lyrics from) Passenger, Matt Kearney, & Peter Bradley Adams

Thanks to: Two blog readers in particular (you know who you are) — who keep my mind active, my senses curious, and my dream alive. Sending my best to you.

 

***Featured Image courtesy of Righno Boutique***

Dear August

Dear August,

Ahhh hello, my friend. So… lovely? to see you. Another year has come and gone, and we meet again. And so it begins. You steal my daylight, walk hand in hand with the cool winds of change, and leave me anxiously pulling my hair out by your 31st day. You bring so many questions to mind. Why do you do this to me each year? You come and go so quickly, leaving my stomach turning; my mind racing.

Feeling queasy and confused, I’ll be thankful as ever with your departing gift — Rich hues of red, orange, yellow, and brown; the scent of dried and crunchy leaves that tickle my nose; and a chill that sends me clinging to the first sign of warmth – You always do remind me of the necessity for human touch; a longing to be near others during my quarterly attempt to avoid the inevitable: change.

Your message is beautiful – find strength in change, solace in letting go, and comfort in relinquishing fear.

The circadian rhythm of your song is undeniably sung each year. Perhaps I will try to hum a few notes. Be patient with me.

 

Warming up to you,

Ki