Tag Archives: Struggle

Gratitude

I recently seized an opportunity to write for an inspirational website called The Easier Softer Way.  Writing for a new audience gave me a chance to distance myself a bit from LifeofKi and challenge myself as a writer to speak in a new voice. I hope to have opportunities such as this one in the future to branch out — reaching new eyes and ears. For now, I’d like to share the intimate ‘original piece’ I wrote in honor of my dear friend’s late father.

“It happened again today – when I learned that my childhood best friend’s father is dying. I am, once again, intimate with fear; death; dying. I think I pushed it away when my Grandpa passed.  Could be any day now – his death. What to say when all we do is wait for him to die? Words fail me in this moment. Words fail me today.”

With eyes blinded by tears and hearts stricken with grief, we mourn the loss of my dear friend’s father. His soul left his body but a few weeks ago. As she drowns in his memories, my friend feels lost and alone. I cannot begin to comprehend her grief; the enormity of the loss; the depth of the void she now feels. Words fail me yet again. So I offer to her the most beautiful healer of all, Mother Nature….  for the ‘original piece’ in its entirety —  The Easier Softer Way

 

Related:

In a Sea of Unknowns — (Post for The Easier Softer Way)

 

 

 

 

 

When you let her go

I don’t know you.

But I want to.

Cloudy, murky waters

Laying stagnant in my mind.

 

Messenger birds deliver these words.

Upon their feathers,

My heart.

Upon their arrival,

Open yours.

 

Upside down.

Right side up.

Wonderful games.

Our souls play freely.

 

You paint me black.

Dear Love, I’m falling.

The hum of our secrets dives with me.

Your brush strokes firmly draw the line.

 

Let me down easily,

And I’ll bat my lashes.

Reel you in,

Prize fish, you’re mine.

 

Did you misread my lips?

Oh boy, smile again.

This talk can wait.

Laugh with this ignorant bliss.

 

Let me guide you,

Take your hands.

Follow mine.

Conjure up regrettable memories.

 

Melt into these sheets,

Tired bedclothes at best.

Muster a smile for me, again.

Forget the rest.

 

Flaming words burn on your lips.

Not now.

Not soon.

Not ever.

 

Rest easy, you say?

You are loved, you say?

We can never lose

What we have never found.

 

Did you smile at this bliss,

Playfully loving me?

Walk proud as you leave

For you set the caged bird free.

 

Did I ever deserve you?

Will you ever deserve me?

Be gentle with your soul

For now it carries of piece of us, unseen.

 

—–Original Poem——

 

I want to thank my readers for being patient with me – as this blog has become an escape for my poetic words to float freely, wildly yelling my deepest thoughts, perhaps my deepest regrets, feelings and sorrows. Poetry, for me – is one of the most therapeutic ‘ways’ of handling intense emotion, and something beautiful inevitably emerges from the rush of feelings that floods my mind – or that is the hope, at least! Sometimes I wish I could just say, “This is what is going on in my life, now I’m going to talk about it on this blog….” But I find that to respect those in my life, and to create something relatable to you – my wonderful readers – poetry is a way to connect on multiple levels. If you think about it – your perception of my words is your own. Each poem is perceived differently with each reader. Perhaps you know exactly what I’m saying, and perhaps you don’t understand the words but you understand the feelings. My hope is that if you can connect, even with one line, one word, then my job is done. If you have that moment where you think to yourself, “Ah, I get it Ki. I get it” then I sit happy, here, now.

Proudly embrace your passions. Continue creating. Continue the flow. Stay focused — feet firmly planted upon your foundation of truth.

Cheers, readers.

-Ki

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Musical influence for this post: Passenger – Let Her Go

 

 

 

Delicious Ambiguity

Sunrise, I see your smile.

A fluttering wind, I feel your kiss.

Dusk, I hear your soul’s melancholic lullaby.

How can I miss you – when you are with me, always?

 

The green reminds me of better pastures.

Temptation hidden silently under each unturned leaf,

Illusive beauty screaming.

Coy winds always do cause a shiver to the spine.

 

Can you hear my thoughts?

Can you touch my soul?

I know I love you,

If that’s all we can take.

 

Where are you now, dear love?

I’m an open book: read from cover to cover.

Let your eyes guide you. Mind mislead you.

Heart appease you. Shall I tease you?

 

I wish you would…

Take your love with you.

Just let me go.

 

Quit these dreams.

I’ll miss you so.

Each tear you cry for me

Waters the seed, full grown.

 

 

 

–Original Poem–

 

 

 

 

Inspiration: Edward Maya and Matt Kearney

Weeks Like This

Sometimes I wonder if I’m truly getting better.

The seed of doubt enters my mind and spreads like wildfire. Am I really defeating the anxiety, the depression, the fill in the blank, you name it? – Maybe I’ve unknowingly perfected the art of convincing my ego that “Yeah, Ki you’re doing great! No panic attacks this week, good for you! You’ve finally got a hold on this thing. This thing called life.” Bullshit.

Well, it has been one of those weeks. The kind of week where emotions plan the daily agenda. My intimate Waltz with Fear is practiced every day at noon — followed by Stretching with Tears at 1PM and Dinner with Self Loathing at 7PM. It is the kind of week where I find myself staying preoccupied at home, avoiding friends, and choking back the tears when anyone asks, “How are you doing, Ki?” It is the kind of week where even small chat with neighbors is terrifying – terrifying because frankly, I don’t even know what the hell to say to people anymore. My smile is painted for show, conversation is forced, and quite honestly – I am really terrible at pretending like I care about weather forecasts and association fees.

This is the kind of week that leaves me stuck at the corner of What am I doing with my life? and You will never amount to anything short of a total f*^ck up. Yep, these thoughts are real. I go through them every now and then (And by that I mean, every couple of days, ha). I allow fear into my life, and this is what it does. I let it drag me down. I fear opportunity. I fear advancement. I fear life. I fear living.

Aside from continuous support from friends and family (even text messages every morning reassuring me that I am worthy, beautiful, and not alone – love you Lindsey), the only thing getting me through weeks such as this is a quote I read a few weeks ago. I will paraphrase terribly, my apologies in advance. The quote says something along the lines of, “It is as though people nowadays are more afraid of living than they are afraid of death.”

I’ll admit: I am among those people who are afraid to live. I am terrified to take chances. Terrified to ‘put myself out there.’ Terrified of change. I’m terrified of people reading this blog. Terrified of people seeing me. Yes, literally just walking past unfamiliar people gives me anxiety because I hate the feeling of other people looking at me. Side note, please do not inquire about why I’ve pursued modeling lately – as that is still an unknown to me. Bottom line, I fear everything… during weeks like this.

I know some of my readers experience anxiety and depression on a daily basis. A few have commented on how I seem to be doing better – as it has been a while since I have written about my struggle. I thought I would share these feelings because although I am doing much better than, say, a year ago — I do continue to have intimate encounters with these devils quite often. I’ll be honest, I’m not sure if it ever goes away. I’m not sure if there comes a time when you just have to accept it. I’m not sure if there is a perfect concoction of medication that will be enough – for those of you taking any. All I know is that the struggle is real, but you must continue to fight. There are so many beautiful moments in life that are worth fighting for. Don’t fear living because if you are reading this right now, Life is on your side. Live every day as best you can. Force the smile if you have to, engage in the small chat that you would rather avoid. Keep pushing through it. Live your way into the answers of the unresolved issues in your heart. Life is meant to be lived, not avoided. Take a deep breath and remember: During weeks like this, you are not alone.

——————————————-

Related posts on anxiety&depression:

Reflections

For Lucas

Cabin Fever

Panic

How do you know?

20 Somethings

Unfortunately I am – at times – an immature 20-something, so I’d like to share a quote that is the inspiration behind this blog post (sarcastically, of course).

 
“I miss being the age when I thought I’d have my shit together by the time I was the age I am now.”
 
 
I can’t help but share my thoughts on today’s 20-somethings:
 
Let’s start with the obvious: I am not your typical “20-something” by society’s standards. I haven’t graduated from college, yet. I’m not looking for my dream job, yet. I’m not living for myself while enjoying every spontaneous moment, ever. I don’t know the feeling of complete self sufficiency, loving my ‘9 to 5,’ and meeting with friends weekly at a downtown bar to discuss the single life. However, is anyone really living up to that glorious post-college dream that we assume will fall into place immediately following the four years of papers, exams, and binge drinking that is college?
 
Most of the amazing 20-somethings in my life are college grads (or soon to be), and I cannot help but notice that life, as we had all dreamt it would be, is not quite falling into place as we had planned. Living a sheltered life for the past few years as a stay at home momma, I assumed everyone was embracing life, loving his/her job, sticking with the plan, being what society expects of us 20-somethings. The more I come out of my shell and allow my friends back into my daily life, I see that my questions, my fears, my struggles as a mother are very similar to those of my fellow 20-something friends. Sure, we do not fully understand each other on a day-to-day level, but our uncertainty in this world, as individuals – is very much the same.
 
Don’t we all ask similar questions of ourselves?
 
Surface level questions – Will I find my dream job and never have to ‘work’ another day in my life? Will I be able to live the lifestyle I desire and still pay the bills each month? Will I find a partner and get married? Have kids? If so, what age? Am I ready for anything that serious?
 
What we’re really saying – Will I have to settle and work at a job I hate in order to pay the bills, or be passionate about my life’s work and sacrifice elsewhere? Does it have to be one or the other? Am I living in the right city? Should I have traveled more? Should I be selfish now before settling down? Should I use my ’20-something’ pass and live it up while I can? Why does everyone say the 20s are the best time of our lives, when all we know is we wake up every day with questions in our minds and doubts in our hearts? At what point do we say screw you, society; I will not live to your standards? Does anyone have the guts to see the fork in the road and go straight?
 
Are the 20s really all that they’re chalked up to be? Perhaps we are blinded not by society, but by ourselves…
Is it simply our minds working overtime that drives us into insanity, thus preventing us from embracing this youthful, naïve stage of life?
 
20-somethings, I think it is time we love the questions in our hearts.
“….have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer….”