Tag Archives: Want

Just Be

Sometimes I think about how weird I really am.

  • Some of my best friends are people I’ve never met in person.
  • Being in a bookstore feels like Christmas morning; heart filled with joyful anticipation of the unknown. Eyes drooling over each untouched gift.
  • The smell of freshly brewed coffee makes my heart flutter. Coffee mugs, well, it’s embarrassing how much I love mugs (and coffee for that matter!)
  • I cry daily (to say the least).
  • I have too many obsessions to name: Hand sanitizer, soft pretzels with cheese (Oh my dear god), sugar, Instagram, poetry, the ocean, trees, the smell of fall, the sun…
  • There is an indescribable energy that floods my body each time I meet a new blog reader and connect with him/her on a level that far exceeds any expectation. The gratitude in my heart is insurmountable. I wish everyone on this earth could FEEL it.
  • Although I have an eclectic taste in music, I must admit that Romanian techno beats fuel spontaneous dance parties in my household, err, often.
  • The idea of backpacking through Europe and staying in hostels while simultaneously taking copious notes in hundreds of journals excites every inch of my being.
  • I’m a proud American, but the most flattering compliment I’ve received as of late is: “You’re looking rather Euro today!” (Ki heart gushing still!!)

The list goes on….

Are you getting the point? I’m So weird.

Then I stop and think – there is an honesty to my weirdness. It is pure, fresh, and innocent. It is the kind of honesty that breathes easily as it seeps from my pores – mirroring the honestly of very young children. You know, the kind that emanates from those who have yet to realize the vastness of the hurt, disappointment, and responsibility that hides in this life. Children play without hesitation. They laugh heartily in the present moment. They seek out answers with curious minds and hopeful hearts. In love with life, their souls effortlessly take flight. They dream. They believe. They live.

As the years blend – one into the next — We lose sight of this ‘zest for living’ with age. We become stale, young adults who complicate every facet of life and who spread suffering everywhere. We lose our curious spark only to make room for the desire to be like everyone else; to do what everyone expects of us; to be accepted in society. We are afraid to be happy just as we are. Blinded by fear, we forget to truly live.

Navigating choppy waters, we struggle each day to rise to the top; to be the best employee; to have the highest paying job; to live in the most adventurous city. As we climb the ladder of ‘success,’ we miss the gifts that reside in every moment – Smells that excite the senses; smiles that warm the heart; laughter that soothes the soul. We forget that loving others (and ourselves) is a responsibility and not a luxury. Instead, we are caught up in our extraneous activities and ‘To-Do’ lists, allowing the present to dissolve quicker than cotton candy in your mouth. Spontaneity feels like a foreign term. Schedules and appointments consume us – drowning us in our overworked, overbooked, overly exhausted lives. We forget the importance of simplicity. Sadly, we lose the grace of the child within each of us.

I laugh at my list of ‘weird’ qualities and gladly embrace them as I grow older. For as long as I can remember, I thought that life was one continuous struggle to be a better version of myself. I now know that life is about survival, and you don’t have to struggle to survive. Simply put, survival is existence. Exist and be who you are, right here. Right now.

Hey, I like weird! Weird looks good on me.

Embrace who you truly are. It looks good on you too.

Cheers, readers.

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@kileybw for more photos

LifeofKi is now on Facebook!

 

Bliss

Morning light splinters the heart.

Golden rays illuminate play wounds.

At least I’ll have a piece of you

Lingering on my flesh.

As if I need one more reminder of you.

 

Drunk from your scent,

I stand slowly, head spinning.

Failed attempt to match last night’s pace.

I wash you away.

 

You cuddle peacefully with your indifference.

I love the way you sleep.

Shame you’ve yet to wake.

Some people never do.

 

Your kiss, so hoppy it stings.

Feet trudge along the floor.

Heavy steps mirror the weary heart within.

Short of breath as silence kicks me to the door.

 

Is this your idea of bliss – loving me presently

Then wiping your hands clean of me?

You are a false hope for the fool that

I am.

That I was.

 

Glance back to feel you once more.

Like sand slipping through my hands,

Your eyes fade, gone, flighty as the wind.

Unrealized love.

I’ll miss you.

 

————–

 

Wouldn’t you know

The world has never seen a more sincere love?

Strangers blinded by the light within us.

At least I felt this, and lost you.

I lived it

As though true.

 

Can you say the same?

 

Does it pain you, Leave you cloudy,

Tranquility stolen, Sky no longer blue?

Laughter ringing in your ears as you reminisce;

Does it sneak up in your sweet dreams too?

 

Planes come, jetlag goes.

Our souls danced freely.

Giggles escaped from my lips.

My eyes stole a piece of your heart

That day.

 

I know you remember.

 

Years pass,

It is NOW that you truly see?

I loved you, let you slip,

Set you free.

 

This is my bliss.

Easy, let’s breathe.

So fickle your love then.

Stale no longer, thankfully.

 

Such a proud little thing you are,

Come around to me.

Happy for you,

I shall let it be.

 

Wish I could stay longer,

Give to you the sun,

Caress you once again.

Ego craving what’s left undone.

 

Take these words as my final kiss

And may the present be your bliss.

We have each other in this moment,

Forever you

I will miss.

 

 

–Original Poem–

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@kileybw for more photos!

 

 

 

 

 

Life of Pi, I mean — Ki

What a difference a year makes. Where were you one year ago today? With what issues were you struggling? Which path in life scared you the most? What questions laid heavily upon your heart?

Religion was my answer, back then. Had you asked naive Ki these questions a year ago, my busy mind ticked: Why does religion scare me? Who is ‘God?’ and Why don’t I know God? I was confused about religion, scared by it, desperate for a connection with it – or so I thought, back then. I voiced my doubts concerning Christianity, hollered my inquiries regarding Judaism, and quietly hid my fascination with Buddhism. I laugh now because religion was not the issue at all! Religion was the symptom, not the root of the questions in my heart.

I blogged last December about uncomfortable feelings surrounding Christianity and ‘God’ in the post A New Year. A New Religion? (I know some of you remember!! I think I fluffed a few feathers). As I’ve said many times before on this blog, I was one lost, confused, desperate woman –pulling at the fray of ANYTHING that would prevent me from drowning in doubt, insecurity, and fear. I assumed religion was the missing piece of the puzzle. Yes, religion would save me from the negative feelings that flourished in my mind!!! I thought if I asked enough questions of each religion and fervently searched for a deeper connection that I would undeniably feel the presence of ‘God.’ I can assure you, life is never so simple.

There was a hole in my story, back then. I can truthfully say there still IS a hole in my story. The difference now is that I am fully aware that religion is the LEAST of my worries! The obstacle is not in finding ‘God;’ the challenge is in finding my true self.

I ask of myself this year – With what issues do I struggle? Which path in life scares me the most? I can assure you, religion is not my answer this year. I am not actually looking for God. I am not looking for a religion that fits me perfectly. I realize that searching for fulfillment in a religion leaves me feeling frustrated and defeated. Although diving head first into Jewish religion courses has been one of the most eye-opening experiences of my life, I am finding each day that a desire to know ‘God’ is easily translated into: A desire to know myself.  

Hahaha funny side note: I named this website after a novel that unbeknownst to me at the time of naming, is in fact about a spiritual, introspective quest. I mean, come on guys!! The answers have been in me all along! I just thought “LifeofKi” was catchy, and I kinda thought I might get a few accidental ‘hits’ from those searching for Life of Pi …. I had no clue that “LifeofKi” was literally THE MOST PERFECT name for what was about to unfold in my life. Thank you, Life of Pi!! Or should I say, thank you subconscious, true Ki?!

Okay back to seriousness………..

What am I afraid of the most? Honestly?

Knowing myself. Forgiving myself. Accepting myself. Loving myself.

Which road desperately needs fresh pavement and immense TLC?

The path to creating a healthier sense of self.

There is no need to look for a God (or energy, as I see it) because it is already inside of my heart. I thought I was waiting for God when in truth, I was waiting for acceptance. Acceptance from myself. I am beginning to acknowledge that I have neglected the one person who cries out for attention, love, and acceptance. I have let go of my mental self, my physical self, my spiritual self. Where I once saw a ‘yearning for a connection with God,’ I now see I need the one person who is keeping me from me.

I miss Ki, the free spirit. I miss Ki, the playful lover. I miss Ki, the confident woman with aspirations and dreams, big dreams.

I left my true self on the side of the road years ago. I gave my ego permission to reign over every ounce of my body, allowing for the rest of Ki to feed on the false perceptions of who I needed to be, ought to be, would never be. Readers, this is THE most frustrating dead end to find yourself. But wait!! Need a silver lining?? Well, you’re in luck.

When you find yourself in this destitute place, you will soon realize you were never lost to begin with. It isn’t about finding yourself. The key is in cultivating a true sense of who you are and who you are destined to be. You, like me, will get there. I promise you. Although religion has helped to calm my busy mind (and open my world to culture, compassion, and love) the only TRUTH is in getting to know myself. Readers, give yourself permission to let go of whatever it is holding you back. If YOU are what is holding you back, then smile. A beautiful ride awaits you. This is the toughest job in the world. Tougher than parenthood; tougher than tackling issues with others; tougher than giving birth! I say truthfully that cultivating a healthy relationship with myself has been the toughest challenge in my life thus far – and some of you know the hell I have seen in my short 23 years.

Let me show you that you can be in the midst of a hellish downfall and come out of it stronger than ever. Yes, as I said I have demons, but don’t we all? We all bleed the same; some of us just have a few more scars than others. And trust me: your scars are beautiful, just like YOU.

 

Begin with this:

Look in the mirror and say to yourself every day –

I am beautiful.

I am doing a great job.

I love you.

——————————————–

Your life begins with you.

Your love begins with you.

Take the first step.

 

Cheers, Readers.

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***Photo courtesy of Courtney Venable Photography***

 

Related:

Love Yourself

 

Coffee

To say “I miss you”

Seems silly.

Bitter aftertaste upon my tongue

Lingering like morning coffee.

 

Speaking of coffee,

You never showed up

For that date three months ago.

My pride sits patiently by the window of that coffee shop.

 

….95 cups and counting….

 

The morning chill crept in through the windows last night

Into this awfully big house.  Awfully barren. Awful.

Empty rooms mocking the lone resident.

Faceless picture frames giggling at the bleeding heart within.

 

I needed you,

But you never came for me.

Did you get my letters?

Did your answering machine mimic my desperation

 

…and spread it like wildfire in that apartment of yours?

 

A need to hear your voice,

Yet I’d have no taste for talking.

But just to hear your voice:

Nectar of the Gods to my soul.

 

Each poem spells your name.

Driven by the caffeinated veins within,

Heightened senses,

Grandiose plans.

 

….I’ll get through to you one day….

 

You’re the only one

Who keeps me dancing.

Inspiration flowing through me,

It is magic.

 

Coffee shop dreaming.

Hearty laughter with my desires,

Shaming the thought of ‘reality.’

This is the life I’ve always wanted,

 

….right?

 

 

 

 

—Original Poem—

Say Anything

If I could say anything exactly one year ago yesterday – I can assure you, I would not have uttered a word. My head was crowded with thoughts; my heart, corroded by fear. I was crumbling. Screaming, yet you heard nothing. Crying, but you saw no tears rolling. I was hiding, clinging to the demons that quieted my dreams and fed my fears. What a mess I was. A mute, suffering mess. If your eyes met mine, I’m sure the fog was too thick for you to feel me, to know me. If we chatted, I’m sure I lied. I told you I was fine. I told you I was strong. I told you I didn’t need you. I didn’t need anyone. As I said, I lied.

Even if I could say anything one year ago yesterday, I didn’t know how. No motivation, no courage, no confidence. I was shivering; I was sinking; I’m surprised my bed didn’t swallow me whole some mornings. When you called, I didn’t answer. When you wrote, your letter collected dust. I wrote you off. I wrote me off. Nothingness was bliss, for a time. Faith in nothing. Fear of everything. Darkness dug my grave, shoveling the heavy dirt that would suffocate my existence. I wasn’t living. I was sleepwalking in daylight.

What a beautiful time to start a blog, eh? I don’t remember the who, what, when, where. I don’t remember who encouraged me to write again. I don’t remember much. But I do remember the overwhelming sensations that rushed my body as I felt the sudden urge to brainstorm ideas for the blog. The creative flow flooded every inch of my being. Appearing like a sharp winter wind, line after line, word after word bit my flesh, awakening my senses to the core. It was the most intense experience I had felt in months. My heart raced. I began to cry. It just kept coming. The thoughts. The ideas. My spark. I felt it again. I was alive. I had a purpose. I had a duty. I had to share, with you guys. Something woven in my soul had had enough of my bullshit drone of an existence. It was my time, it said. And for the first time in years, I listened.

So I started a blog, and for twelve long months I cried, I wrote, I was frustrated, I was happy, I was terrified. Publishing a post felt like I was running naked in the streets of my hometown. Eyes upon me, judging, laughing, snickering, joking – or so I thought you would. I never thought anyone would take me seriously. I never thought anyone would see beyond the forced smile that I painstakingly painted upon my pale, sunken face each morning. I never thought you would look at me and hear what I was not saying – the desperate cries for a connection with YOU. A longing for support. A desire for acceptance.

Each new post was a little less scary to publish than the previous. I received wonderful feedback, and you have your favorites – but it wasn’t until Weeks Like This that I truly started to feel your warmth. It was as though my chilly, morning air was lifting – allowing for the sun to rise again. Peering through the blanket of trees that surrounded me, I could feel something more just beyond the brush. Within reach I felt something so familiar, yet so foreign. Something lovely and terrifyingly close. My dream was being realized. I called out for help, and finally my answer arrived.  

You guys trickled in through the cracks, my wonderful readers. I was broken, and you snuck in somehow. You took my hand as you witnessed my struggle. You celebrated my triumphs; we’ve laughed together; we’ve cried together. You know I doubt strongly and love passionately. You know I would do anything for my son and family, and I continue to take care of myself lastly. (I’m working on it! I need your reminders!) You guys know it all, and you still come back – to this day, this is not real to me. The reality of your support is something I am learning to accept and understand. It is difficult for me to accept that which I am not sure I truly deserve. I am indebted to you guys, really.

A year has slipped from my fingers again. Like sand through the cracks, it has disappeared forever, kidnapped by Father Time. I’m left alone with memories, burnt quietly into my flesh. I sit here just as I have many other afternoons during nap time, thinking quickly – pondering my next post. I’ve thought for a few months now – what do I write for my ‘one year’ post?? How profound do I need to be? Gosh, there are countless people to thank, where do I begin? You guys – I’ve cried over this, I’ve laughed, I’ve obsessed – as always. Yet now as I sit here, it’s funny because I’m just sitting here like an idiot, smiling. Grinning from ear to ear. In this moment, I am so thankful. I know without a doubt that in the end, I can say anything. And you guys will continue to support me. You’ll come back for a post here and there. I know that as long as this blog is a labor of love, you guys will be with me. Along the way. In the end, I just need you with me. I don’t need a thing from you. Just knowing that the passenger seat next to me is warmed by your presence is all I need to write my next post. I don’t expect much from others. I don’t expect a massive following with this blog. Honestly, I don’t even put faith in humans. I put my faith in love…  and as long as I’m sending love out there –to where you guys are – I know you’ll send it back, in whatever way you have to love.

That is what is so crazy about this life, my life – I receive so much love from you guys in many different forms. From ‘likes’ to ‘comments,’ emails to Skype phone calls – hell even some of you ‘argue’ with me until 1AM insisting that my views are limited (you know who you are – and you know I appreciate your efforts) you guys are with me, encouraging me to say anything. To always say anything. So for you, I am thankful. This outlet allows me to love and to be loved; to share and be shared with; to connect once again with my heart and now, yours. You know….. you really don’t break when you decide to let go. I am living proof. As I shed these layers, I feel nothing but a warm embrace from each of you as I continue to say anything.  

One year ago today, I opened my world to you guys. I started a conversation about love, parenting, sex, religion, challenges, sacrifices, fear, you name it. As a friend of mine often reminds me, I am an incorrigible dreamer. I love that, but I can honestly say I never could have dreamt of the adventures that this blog would take me on. I have met some of the most intriguing people around the world. I have reconnected with long-time friends over issues first discussed on this blog. Support from my family is astonishingly pure. And quite amazingly, some of my best friends are people I’ve never even met in person – people who at first simply connected with something at LifeofKi.com, and who over the months have grown to be a part of my life.

 

A year ago yesterday, silence ensued.

Today I can say anything.

There is nothing left to say now but Thank you.

 

-Ki

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Runaway

Do you think of me often, like I do you?

Catch wind of your name

Fire ablaze within.          

Painted pink, heavy breath, wet palms.

Infectious thoughts, they are.

 

Do you remember the day I let you go?

Airplanes lending our secrets to the clouds.

You think it shows?

You could be happy now.

I’d rather not know.

 

Loved you first when we were children.

I don’t want to waste another minute

Reminiscing.

God, I don’t want to wait until tomorrow

To tell you how I’d feel the rest of my life*

 

Do you remember the look in my eyes?

The one for you, and you only?

You left me upside down, you know that?

Now you sit warmly behind the walls

You’ve built. Shame, I didn’t see them then.

 

 

Can you recall the endless conversation

Over dinner that changed my life?

Words dancing freely from my mouth to yours.

Yours to mine. God my cheeks burned as I grinned.

High above the world we were. Eastern city lights admiring our bliss.

 

And now? Strangers, you and I.

I sit bitterly with my fairytales and firesides.

Intimate with the love you never gave.

God it feels good to dream.

The idea of you silencing my truth.

 

Your pride looks good on your arm.

You two make a great pair.

Does she laugh with you too?

Can she love you as I always do?

Dining for one suits you well.

 

Check, please.

 

 

——Original Love Story——

 

 

*Inspiration: Lyrics from Mat Kearney’s City of Black and White

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A little More

What have you done for someone ELSE today? Did you smile at the stranger in the grocery store? Did you wave on another car stuck in traffic, signaling the ‘go forth’ gesture? Did you whisper ‘I love you’ to the sleepy home you call your own when you left for work this morning? Did you look to the sun and nod a proper ‘thank you’ for your existence? Why does it even matter, right? You’ll do it next time….

Well, I’ll tell you why it matters.

I’m the one in the store who needs the smile from your lovely face. I look to your eyes and search for it, wondering if you’ll remain indifferent or decide to muster up a toothy grin of acceptance. I walk quickly – fearing your approval, yet nervously avoiding your procedural rejection as you continue the search for the Cream Of Mushroom Soup you forgot to purchase yesterday. Will you look up from your list today? I’m looking at you…

I’m the one in traffic who waits patiently, wondering if you’re going to pity the soul who has been disregarded by the others — shoved away because I do not contribute to the flow of traffic. I’m the one who assumes no asshole in a hurry will slow down for fifteen seconds to let my compact car slip in the crack of the busy bustle… but I wonder as I look at each face that speeds past. Will you slow down today? I’ll wave a quiet ‘thank you.’ I promise.

I’m the one who hears the whispers of ‘I love you.’ The faint gestures. The anonymous acts of kindness. I’m thankful for it – and you, who does it. I am among the people who appreciate, who love, who are grateful. Yes, there are still people like that in the world!

There is so much greed. There are so many individualistic ways and selfish tendencies that suffocate society, intoxicating those involved on their lonely paths to isolation. But have hope. Yes YOU – the one who has yet to be drowned in your own ego, have hope. YOUR little acts of kindness are received with open arms and warm hearts. Yes, I still believe in the little things. I believe in your little things. I cherish your little things. So, thank you.

I look to you at the store, in traffic, and in this world, every day. Can’t you see me? I’m the face of humanity. Be kind to me. And to everything else. Show me that you care. Don’t wait for ‘next time.’ I’m here. Now.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

 

What can you do right now to brighten someone else’s day?

One smile, one email, one door held open a minute longer can change someone’s entire day.

Give a little more today.

 

 

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Can you, readers?

Delicious Ambiguity

Sunrise, I see your smile.

A fluttering wind, I feel your kiss.

Dusk, I hear your soul’s melancholic lullaby.

How can I miss you – when you are with me, always?

 

The green reminds me of better pastures.

Temptation hidden silently under each unturned leaf,

Illusive beauty screaming.

Coy winds always do cause a shiver to the spine.

 

Can you hear my thoughts?

Can you touch my soul?

I know I love you,

If that’s all we can take.

 

Where are you now, dear love?

I’m an open book: read from cover to cover.

Let your eyes guide you. Mind mislead you.

Heart appease you. Shall I tease you?

 

I wish you would…

Take your love with you.

Just let me go.

 

Quit these dreams.

I’ll miss you so.

Each tear you cry for me

Waters the seed, full grown.

 

 

 

–Original Poem–

 

 

 

 

Inspiration: Edward Maya and Matt Kearney

To Want

Have you ever thought about not wanting, just for a second? Have you ever thought about what would happen if you asked about the world, instead of just asking for it? Who do you think you are? Who do you think I am? Why would you think you have any idea of what you want? Most nights you still go to bed confused, angry at yourself. When are you going to start considering the possibility that you are exactly who you want to be?
 –-Paraphrased from Charles Yu’s – Sorry Please Thank You
 
I came across these questions a few months ago. Up until that point in my life, I can honestly say I always assumed my life would be more – I needed to do more, be more, give more, love more, ask more, live more. More, more, more. But at what point does more melt into enough? Is there a finite ending?
 
Is life about continuously asking these questions of ourselves while filling our days with compulsive activity, only to avoid the real issues? Is the real issue ourselves? Are we the answer? I am told I want to be a certain type of person…. And yet I have never considered that who I am, at this very second, is exactly who I need to be, want to be, ought to be…
 
Who tells us we should do better? Know better? Be better? Who are they? Who are those people? At what point do we stop asking those questions and accept that who we are at this very second is exactly who the world needs us to be?
 
It’s an interesting spectacle – living with a child. He does not know anything but his own life. He does not covet, does not envy, does not fear. He is exactly who he needs to be. He is exactly what the world expects of him.  He is exactly what I need him to be. So at what point can we live like a child and expect nothing more of ourselves than who we are in that exact moment? Is that ever achievable?
 
Some answer no; I answer yes.
 
“An adult is one who has lost the grace, the freshness, the innocence of the child, who is no longer capable of feeling pure joy, who makes everything complicated, who spreads suffering everywhere, who is afraid of being happy, and who, because it is easier to bear, has gone back to sleep. The wise man is a happy child.” – Arnaud Desjardins
 
Sometimes, when all we have are questions, the simplest answer is to wake up. Be awake in this present moment – Love those who are right in front of us – Taste the kiss that is offered and gone in a heartbeat’s second – Breathe the air for a moment longer.
 
Be exactly who you are in exactly this moment.
 
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