I don’t know when I lost my mind.
Sometimes I really wonder if what goes on in my head is normal. These thoughts, these dreams, these insanely absurd fears – where do they come from? Why do I have them? Why do I feel them so strongly? Why do they speak to me just as a lover whispers sweet nothings: So faint, yet I feel them so deeply, within myself, resonating in the pit of my stomach.
Often it is the fear within that corrodes my heart. My ambitious dreams are always present, yes, but those damn fears – they are like the lingering sweat on my flesh after a playful night’s encounter with a stranger. I shamefully carry them with me each day. They are the morning dew that lay gently on blades of grass alike – cold and obnoxious, transparent and dissolvable. Their residue lay heavily on my mind, always.
In my most recent post, I touched on the topic of modeling and the energy that is injected into my soul surrounding each experience. Modeling opens the door to knowing me better and allows me to hurdle over those difficult comfort zones. Lovely, yes. However, I would like to dive into the difficult issues surrounding modeling for you, readers, now.
Why do it, Ki? Why put yourself through such stress? I receive the same questions from family and friends. If I have such overwhelming anxiety each time, then why do it?? Why? Why is it so stressful for you? What are you seeing that we are not?
I think a seed was planted years ago. By whom? By what? That, I can’t answer. I’m not sure. All I can say for sure is a seed has grown exponentially over the years and is now seen wildly overgrown in my mind. That seed — stubborn and proud — has flourished, reproduced, and conquered. Where there once lay a small and immature seed, a forest lush with lies and untruths now stands firmly in the ground.
Today, I look in the mirror and see nothing similar to what you – my readers – see. No, I do not have an eating disorder. I am very healthy and active and take care of myself to the best of my ability. When I say I see something different – it is as though my mind tells the looking glass what to show me – an overweight, flawed, ugly human being. Each imperfection is amplified. Where you see a nose, I see a mountainous error that will one day be ‘fixed.’ I see hideous breasts, abused and battered by pregnancy. I see wide hips and chunky thighs; I see all features as shameful extensions of a less than worthy body. As I said, my lies and untruths are very firmly planted. This post is not for pity, but for strength. In sharing with you, I shed yet another layer of myself. This moment, I thank you for being with me as I do so.
Compliments from others are appreciated, yet it changes nothing about how I see this body that walks with me each day. There is nothing a friend, a relative, or a passerby can say that will allow me to see the truth that stands before the mirror. My truth is distorted and manipulated by the inner, deceptive workings of my brain – and I am slowing pulling the weeds and tilling the soil; desperate for a harvest one day soon. Maybe my heart feels so heavy because it is growing. Maybe the holes are filling in, repairing themselves. Hey, not a bad thought.
Are you struggling? Does your soul feel lonely at times? I know, it is so tough to get past those moments of insecurity, doubt, and fear – and I’m talking about all aspects of life – personally, professionally, everything readers. Let me offer you this: Realize that you cannot hide forever. Make it a choice each morning as the sun kisses your skin to greet her and choose life, to live. If that is all you can do, then hold onto that tightly. Wake up each day, choose to live every moment, and you have taken the first step. You see, with time this will become natural, a habit of sorts – and you will see that the less you think about ‘doing,’ the more you will simply ‘be.’ I promise you, you will slowly become less of an observer and more of one who chooses to be active in the world again.
Quiet the incessant thoughts that tell you to use caution; silence them as best you can. Sometimes the heavy confusion within is really just our way of denying the natural course of our lives.
For twenty-three years I have been a victim of my mind’s deception. I have listened to it, obeyed it, and continued pursuing a life without imperfection. If you can relate, I beg you to stop. Now. You will never be perfect. You will never know perfection. Remember that ‘perfection’ is simply a word. It is not achievable. It is a word that carries immeasurably high hopes and devastating upsets. See that word, visualize it now, erase it, and let it go. Never use that word again.
Life is not beautiful despite imperfections. Life is beautiful because we climb, we fall, and we choose to overcome. There are many days where you WILL be on top, and there are many days where you will not. Take it all in. Take every moment. Accept the ‘bad’ just as you would accept the ‘good.’ Life is not meant to be continuously ‘happy,’ ‘joyful,’ etc (insert your favorite adjective here). Let go of the emotions. Let go of thinking. It is in this release that you will begin again. We can always begin again.
I don’t know when I lost my mind.
But I’m so thankful I did.
I’m feeling again. I’m loving again.
And I’ve only just begun,
Musical inspiration behind this post — “Miss You” Ed Sheeran